Me: Okay, go run around in the yard.
Tierce: Yay! What are you doing?
Me: Sitting with my laptop on the couch outside to make sure you don’t try to get through the gate again.
Me: Yup, just here to ruin your day.
Tierce: Fine. Think you could take off this cone and this stupid dog T-shirt?
Me: No, because then you’ll lick and scratch yourself to death.
Tierce: But I’m ITCHY.
Me: I’d rather see you suffer than get a massive infection. The last vet bill was 183.46.
Tierce: Fine, be an autocratic dictator. I’m going to see how many things I can pee on before I run out of urine.
Me: That’s what you’re here for.
Me: Tierce… what are you doing?
Tierce: Sniffing around the back fence.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Loose Fence Board: *creak*
Tierce: Wow, there’s a whole other yard back there!
Me: Tierce! What are you up to?
Tierce: Sniffing around the fence!
Me: Okay, that’s fine.
Loose Fence Board: *CREAK*
Tierce: WOW! There are other dogs that come in this yard!
Me: Where are you?
Other dogs (in the house): WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGINOURYARD
Tierce: Hey! I’m out here and you’re in there! Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?!
Other dogs: DEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATH!
Me: How did you get in there?
Tierce: So… many… new… smells…
Me: TIERCE! FRONT!
Tierce: Can’t front… sniffing!
Tierce: Did you know these dogs had leftover steak last night? Why don’t I get leftover steak?
Neighbor: Here puppy!
Tierce: Why do your dogs get steak and I don’t?
Me: Thanks, can you just pass him through where this loose board is?
Tierce: I’m not done!
Me: Yes you are.
Neighbor: Here you go!
Me: Thanks so much. Sorry about that!
Neighbor: Oh, no problem.
Tierce: I was just exploring your yard and then you grabbed me and sent me back to prison. *I* have a problem!
Me: Oh, you have no idea. You know how to get by the gate and now I can’t let you run around the yard because you’ll find all the loose boards and get into other people’s property!
Tierce: I was just conducting canine urban reconnaissance.
Me: Well, you can conduct another reconnaissance in the tub. You need a bath.
Me: You know, this hurts me more than it hurts y- oh who am I kidding. You’re going to be miserable and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.
Tierce: You really are here just to ruin my day!
Me: Now I am. Want a rubber ducky?