The vacuum

Tierce: What are you doing?

Me: Getting out the vacuum.

Tierce: It’s evil.

Me: It is not evil; it’s what stands in the way of your undercoat staging a coup of the entire house.

Tierce: It growls at me.

Me: *sigh* Sure. That’s because it hates you.

Tierce: See? It’s evil!

Me: Maybe it would be less evil if you stopped trying to bite it while I’m sucking all your hair out of the carpet.

Tierce: I keep trying to warn you about these things, but you never listen to me! It’s bad, I tell you.

Me: Ahuh [turns on vacuum]

Vacuum: Growl.

Tierce: Growl.

Vacuum: Just you wait… one day I’ll sneak up behind you and suck you right up!

Tierce: Just you try!

Me: Tierce! STOP biting the vacuum!

Tierce: But did you just hear what it said to me?

Me: No! Leave it!

Vacuum: Ha! Your human can’t understand my plan to dominate the entire world! Mwahahaha!

Tierce: You’ll never succeed! I’ll fight you until my dying-

Me: NO! Stop it! You wanna go into the pen?

Tierce: But…

Me: Leave it ALONE.

Vacuum: And then, when I’m done with you, I’m going to suck up all the pizza, all the cheese and all the hamburger…

Tierce: NoooOOOooo!

Me: That’s it! Pen!

Tierce: But-

Me: PEN!

Tierce: You don’t under-

Me: Fine! [picks Tierce up and deposits him in the pen] And you can just stay there until the cleaning’s done!

Vacuum: Mwahahaha…

Vacuum: Mwahahaha! Look at you! You’re in the pen! And look at me! Free to cause mass destruction!

Tierce: You’ll never get away with this!

Vacuum: Watch me.

Me: Is that a knock at the door?

Vacuum: Hehehe

Tierce: [jumps against pen and knocks the ends askew]

Tierce: Ha! I’m out!

Vacuum: So, we meet again!

Me: Guess there was no one at the door- aw, crap, how did you get out?

Tierce: I’m about to save you from certain death!

Me: We’ve had this discussion before. Get away from it!

Tierce: No, I can’t in all conscience let it do its devil’s work any longer!

Me: Good thing I’m pretty much done in here.

Vacuum: Now, know fear!

Tierce: Now, know pain!

Me: STOP IT! [turns off vacuum]

Tierce: I won’t let it threaten this house any longer!

Vacuum: Glarg.

Tierce: ha HA! I killed it!

Me: I just turned it off.

Tierce: You should be more careful with these things; you could have been seriously hurt. Good thing I was here.

Me: Uh, yeah, sure.

Tierce: So, now what are we doing? How about a walk to celebrate my victory?

Me: No, I still want to vacuum the stairs and the bedroom.

Tierce: What?

Vacuum: Growl.