The Oreo Peanut Butter Cup Scandal

An artist's re-enactment of the scene.

An artist’s re-enactment of the scene.

18:07 Pacific Standard Time:

Me:  You little bastard.

Tierce:  What?

Me:  I left half an Oreo peanut butter cup here on the desk and you took it!

Tierce:  Try proving that in a court of law.

Me:  I don’t have to prove it!  Exhibit A: The bag, on the floor.  Exhibit B:  Mischa’s sense of self-preservation.  Ergo, YOU are the only one who took it.

Tierce:  I remember it differently.  Which is to say, I don’t remember it at all

21:28 Pacific Standard Time:

Tierce:  I’m distressed.  Must bury my food.

Me:  Aw, look at the puppy!  Look, he’s trying to bury his chewy in his dog bed in front of us!  Is that not the cutest thing ever.

Tierce:  Must… hide… for… winter…

Me:  And look, he’s trying to cover it up with his nose!  Is that not precious!

Mischa:  What is that thing?

Me:  I think it’s his beef stick.

Tierce:  It’s food I found scavenging in the wilderness.

Me:  The wilderness?

Tierce:  Around your computer desk.

Me:  Mischa, can you check that thing out?

Mischa:  Oh, god.  It’s…


Tierce:  The bounty of Christmas is over.  I have to save enough food to see me through til spring.

Me:  You stole my Oreo peanut butter cup and didn’t even have the decency to eat it.  No.  No, after slobbering all over it, you buried it in your dog bed in front of me.

Tierce:  You just left it lying around; how was I to know you still wanted it?


Tierce:  Practically had a sign on it saying, “Take me.”

Me:  You could not be more of a jerkass, Tierce!

Tierce:  And then, you leave me alone to starve.

Me:  You just had dinner!

Tierce:  A half-cup of measley kibble.

Me:  Mischa, it’s time to trade him in.  Get a new dog.

Mischa:  We can’t trade in the puppy.

Me:  You think we could get a couple of Oreo peanut butter cups for him?

Tierce:  Hey! You threw it out!  I was going to save it for later and you threw it out!

Me: Well I’m not eating it after you had your jaws all over it.

Tierce:  Then give it back.

Me:  No.  A. It’s not for dogs.  Chocolate is bad for you.  B.  Do you seriously think I’m going to give you back the thing that you stole from me?  It would give you the completely wrong message.

Tierce:  That if at first you don’t succeed, climb up on the chair and get onto the desk that way?

Me:  No.

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