Tierce: Ow! Stupid cone!
Me: We can’t let you lick yourself.
Tierce: Owww… why is this happening to me? I never want to go to the vet’s again.
Me: You got neutered.
Tierce: What’s “noodered”?
Me: It’s where you remove the testicles.
Tierce: But why?
Me: So you can’t produce little Tierces with big allergy problems.
Tierce: But you don’t let me run loose anyway!
Me: Because it might help you with your aggression problem with bigger and stronger dogs who aren’t going to put up with your shit.
Tierce: Just because they won’t bow down before me, you say I have a problem.
Me: Uh, yeah. Moving right along. And there’s the high likelihood of prostate problems in the middle years.
Tierce: But it hurts!
Me: It will feel better in a few days.
Me: Try not to pay attention to it. Are you hungry?
Tierce: Hell, yeah! You STARVED me in preparation for this! Yeah, I’d love something.
Me: Have some kibble.
Tierce: Something not that.
Me: You like your kibble.
Tierce: Not nowowowow. Ow!
Me: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad.
Tierce: YOU’RE sorry. Oh, that’s rich.
Me: I am… we have some salmon in the cupboard. The $5 a can stuff…
Tierce: Well, I suppose I could choke down a few mouthfuls.
Me: … that was quick.
Tierce: Yeah, my hunger somehow came back to me.
Me: I put the painkiller the vet gave me on that, did you taste it? It might make you drowsy.
Tierce: It tasted like that rotten banana I was playing with one time when you got home from work.
Me: Uh, sure… feeling sleepy?
Tierce: Noooo…ow! OW! I WANNA LICK!
Me: Well you can’t.
Tierce: BUT IT HURTS AND YOU’RE MEAN.
Me: I’m not letting you lick it until it develops a sore or infection.
Tierce: Well, all I have to do is destroy this cone collar and I’m free! Free…
Me: Maybe you should plan your freedom in your beanbag.
Tierce: Yeah… I’ll do that… Beanbags is great, yanno? Izz good… So flurfy and biteable… zzzZZZzzz…
Me: Yes, honey, they are. You go to sleep now.