Poor Little Puppy

Tierce: Ow! Stupid cone!

Me: We can’t let you lick yourself.

Tierce: Owww… why is this happening to me? I never want to go to the vet’s again.

Me: You got neutered.

Tierce: What’s “noodered”?

Me: It’s where you remove the testicles.

Tierce: But why?

Me: So you can’t produce little Tierces with big allergy problems.

Tierce: But you don’t let me run loose anyway!

Me: Because it might help you with your aggression problem with bigger and stronger dogs who aren’t going to put up with your shit.

Tierce: Just because they won’t bow down before me, you say I have a problem.

Me: Uh, yeah. Moving right along. And there’s the high likelihood of prostate problems in the middle years.

Tierce: But it hurts!

Me: It will feel better in a few days.

Tierce: Owww!

Me: Try not to pay attention to it. Are you hungry?

Tierce: Hell, yeah! You STARVED me in preparation for this! Yeah, I’d love something.

Me: Have some kibble.

Tierce: Something not that.

Me: You like your kibble.

Tierce: Not nowowowow. Ow!

Me: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad.

Tierce: YOU’RE sorry. Oh, that’s rich.

Me: I am… we have some salmon in the cupboard. The $5 a can stuff…

Tierce: Well, I suppose I could choke down a few mouthfuls.

Me: … that was quick.

Tierce: Yeah, my hunger somehow came back to me.

Me: I put the painkiller the vet gave me on that, did you taste it? It might make you drowsy.

Tierce: It tasted like that rotten banana I was playing with one time when you got home from work.

Me: Uh, sure… feeling sleepy?

Tierce: Noooo…ow! OW! I WANNA LICK!

Me: Well you can’t.

Tierce: BUT IT HURTS AND YOU’RE MEAN.

Me: I’m not letting you lick it until it develops a sore or infection.

Tierce: Well, all I have to do is destroy this cone collar and I’m free! Free…

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: free…

Me: Maybe you should plan your freedom in your beanbag.

Tierce: Yeah… I’ll do that… Beanbags is great, yanno? Izz good… So flurfy and biteable… zzzZZZzzz…

Me: Yes, honey, they are. You go to sleep now.