“I’m watching you take out your credit card. Hurts, don’t it?”
Me: Well, that was expensive.
Tierce: You paid to have me tortured?
Me: I paid to have an allergy panel done on you. Inhalant and insect. You could be allergic to dust mites. Mould. People.
Tierce: I could definitely see being allergic to you and your oppressive regime.
Me: This is not a regime. This is ointment.
Tierce: Ahuh. Sure. So if you’re looking for allergies, why did you pay the vet to steal my blood for their demonic rituals?
Me: The vet is going to send it away for testing and in a week or so, we should have an idea of what you’re allergic to.
Tierce: I think the vet is going to use it to bind me to your will. Make me like a Lab or something.
Me: Oh, believe me, if that could be done…
Tierce: I registered my objections, though.
Me: I heard.
Tierce: I screamed, “THE POWER OF ME COMPELS YOU!”
Me: Did it work?
Tierce: No.
Me: Might have to do with the fact that you’re not a god and the vet isn’t a demon.
Tierce: So you say. Wait- what are you doing with that devil’s brew?
Me: The ointment? I’m spreading it over the place that you licked raw.
Tierce: Hey, hey now.
Me: Look, would you stop struggling?
Tierce: It feels weird!
Me: Look, this isn’t fun for me either, you know. The last thing I really wanted to do tonight is put ointment anywhere near your junk.
Tierce: How would I know? You have all sorts of fucked-up hobbies. Putting hats on me, harnesses, putting me in the kayak, in the bike trailer… Pervert.
Me: That’s what is known as ‘life experience’- stop kicking me!
Tierce: Stop putting gooey crap on me! Look, I’ll lick it myself and it’ll all be good. Dogs have healing powers.
Me: Forget it! That’s what got you into this mess and don’t wriggle. This cost me 20 bucks and you’re not wasting it.
Tierce: You spent 20 bucks on Satan’s potion? Now who’s wasting things?
Me: There. You’re done. DO NOT LICK IT OFF.
Tierce: Why not?
Me: That stuff is to help you heal.
Tierce: Why not?
Me: I’ll be displeased.
Tierce: Why not?
Me: CONE OF SHAME.
Tierce: All right, fine.
This caused actual tears from laughing so hard!
You absolutely sure that's not MY dog, the aptly named, "Prince?"
Are you sure you weren't speaking to the ruler of our house, DeeDee?