Why didn’t I pick a stupid dog?

Me: Okay, go run around in the yard.

Tierce: Yay! What are you doing?

Me: Sitting with my laptop on the couch outside to make sure you don’t try to get through the gate again.

Tierce: Spoilsport.

Me: Yup, just here to ruin your day.

Tierce: Fine. Think you could take off this cone and this stupid dog T-shirt?

Me: No, because then you’ll lick and scratch yourself to death.

Tierce: But I’m ITCHY.

Me: I’d rather see you suffer than get a massive infection. The last vet bill was 183.46.

Tierce: Fine, be an autocratic dictator. I’m going to see how many things I can pee on before I run out of urine.

Me: That’s what you’re here for.

Tierce: Do-dee-doo-dee-do.

Me: Tierce… what are you doing?

Tierce: Sniffing around the back fence.

Me: Oh. Okay.

Tierce: *push*

Loose Fence Board: *creak*

Tierce: Wow, there’s a whole other yard back there!

Me: Tierce! What are you up to?

Tierce: Sniffing around the fence!

Me: Okay, that’s fine.

Tierce: *push*

Loose Fence Board: *CREAK*

Tierce: COOL!

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: WOW! There are other dogs that come in this yard!

Me: Where are you?

Other dogs (in the house): WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGINOURYARD

Tierce: Hey! I’m out here and you’re in there! Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?!

Other dogs: DEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATH!

Me: How did you get in there?

Tierce: So… many… new… smells…

Me: TIERCE! FRONT!

Tierce: Can’t front… sniffing!

Me: GETYOURASSOVERHEREKILLKILLKILL!

Tierce: Did you know these dogs had leftover steak last night? Why don’t I get leftover steak?

Neighbor: Here puppy!

Tierce: Why do your dogs get steak and I don’t?

Me: Thanks, can you just pass him through where this loose board is?

Tierce: I’m not done!

Me: Yes you are.

Neighbor: Here you go!

Me: Thanks so much. Sorry about that!

Neighbor: Oh, no problem.

Tierce: I was just exploring your yard and then you grabbed me and sent me back to prison. *I* have a problem!

Me: Oh, you have no idea. You know how to get by the gate and now I can’t let you run around the yard because you’ll find all the loose boards and get into other people’s property!

Tierce: I was just conducting canine urban reconnaissance.

Me: Well, you can conduct another reconnaissance in the tub. You need a bath.

Tierce: *gasp*

Me: You know, this hurts me more than it hurts y- oh who am I kidding. You’re going to be miserable and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

Tierce: You really are here just to ruin my day!

Me: Now I am. Want a rubber ducky?

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The Misanthropic Shiba

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