Wherein self-interest meets self-pity to the great satisfaction of all concerned

Tierce: Ooo, let’s go out for a walk!

Me: I don’t want to.

Tierce: But it’s sunny outside and there’s things to smell!

Me: Leave me alone.

Tierce: …

Tierce: I bet you want to. Look how bright it is out! And I want to see if the Labrador from down the street stopped by. Did you know that I can smell one part of urine in a million parts of-

Me: LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE LIFE! EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

Tierce: …

Tierce: [poke]

Me: I hate myself. I hate my life.

Tierce: I bet if you walk me, you’ll feel better. Well, I’ll feel better, but isn’t that the same thing?

Me: I’m a loser.

Tierce: LOOK! There he goes! Let’s go out so I can smell what he’s been up to!

Me: *sniff*

Me: I hate you.

Tierce: But you love walks, right?

Me: I hate walking you. I hate everything about it.

Tierce: But I’m really cute, right?

Tierce: [unbelievably cute look with the flattened ears and the wagging tail and the big eyes]

Me: Awww- WAIT, I FEEL MISERABLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Tierce: I’m soooo cuuuutttteeee… and I wannagoforawalk. Walk me!

Me: I’m ugly and fat.

Tierce: Walk me and get thinner!

Me: I’m depressed.

Tierce: A brisk walk will make you happier!

Me: *sob*

Tierce: [poke]

Me: …go awayyy…

Tierce: I will when you walk me.

Me: FINE.

Tierce: Yay!

Me: Shut up!

***

Tierce: And here’s where that Labrador from down the street peed a half-hour ago. Whew; I don’t think they’re feeding her very well. That Lhasa apso mix next door, though, he got steak today. Why don’t I get steak? And there’s some mixed breed that came by. Doesn’t smell like someone local, but-

Me: You know, it’s nice and sunny out. I feel better.

Tierce: -better not come around my yard; I’ll make him regret it. Ooooh, that unspayed cocker spaniel was here… she’s something, for sure-

Me: I should have come out and gone for a walk earlier; maybe I would feel better if I got more sunlight.

Tierce: -oooh, a hamburger wrapper! There’s not much on it, though, more’s the pity. I think I smell that Springer from across the way, but she hasn’t been here recently-

Me: You know, I’m really glad to have you, Tierce. You made me get out and enjoy the day.

Tierce: -that Golden Retriever two houses up. Smells like she doesn’t have much time left. She must be, what. Fifteen? Sixteen? Oooh! A bug!

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: -got to get it, aaah, aaah, GOT YOU! Mmm… crunchy- ew, sour. Pah! Bleh!-

Me: TIERCE!

Tierce: What?

Me: I’m really glad to have you in my life.

Tierce: Of course you are.

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The Misanthropic Shiba

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