Wherein self-interest meets self-pity to the great satisfaction of all concerned

Tierce: Ooo, let’s go out for a walk!

Me: I don’t want to.

Tierce: But it’s sunny outside and there’s things to smell!

Me: Leave me alone.

Tierce: …

Tierce: I bet you want to. Look how bright it is out! And I want to see if the Labrador from down the street stopped by. Did you know that I can smell one part of urine in a million parts of-

Me: LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE LIFE! EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

Tierce: …

Tierce: [poke]

Me: I hate myself. I hate my life.

Tierce: I bet if you walk me, you’ll feel better. Well, I’ll feel better, but isn’t that the same thing?

Me: I’m a loser.

Tierce: LOOK! There he goes! Let’s go out so I can smell what he’s been up to!

Me: *sniff*

Me: I hate you.

Tierce: But you love walks, right?

Me: I hate walking you. I hate everything about it.

Tierce: But I’m really cute, right?

Tierce: [unbelievably cute look with the flattened ears and the wagging tail and the big eyes]

Me: Awww- WAIT, I FEEL MISERABLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Tierce: I’m soooo cuuuutttteeee… and I wannagoforawalk. Walk me!

Me: I’m ugly and fat.

Tierce: Walk me and get thinner!

Me: I’m depressed.

Tierce: A brisk walk will make you happier!

Me: *sob*

Tierce: [poke]

Me: …go awayyy…

Tierce: I will when you walk me.

Me: FINE.

Tierce: Yay!

Me: Shut up!

***

Tierce: And here’s where that Labrador from down the street peed a half-hour ago. Whew; I don’t think they’re feeding her very well. That Lhasa apso mix next door, though, he got steak today. Why don’t I get steak? And there’s some mixed breed that came by. Doesn’t smell like someone local, but-

Me: You know, it’s nice and sunny out. I feel better.

Tierce: -better not come around my yard; I’ll make him regret it. Ooooh, that unspayed cocker spaniel was here… she’s something, for sure-

Me: I should have come out and gone for a walk earlier; maybe I would feel better if I got more sunlight.

Tierce: -oooh, a hamburger wrapper! There’s not much on it, though, more’s the pity. I think I smell that Springer from across the way, but she hasn’t been here recently-

Me: You know, I’m really glad to have you, Tierce. You made me get out and enjoy the day.

Tierce: -that Golden Retriever two houses up. Smells like she doesn’t have much time left. She must be, what. Fifteen? Sixteen? Oooh! A bug!

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: -got to get it, aaah, aaah, GOT YOU! Mmm… crunchy- ew, sour. Pah! Bleh!-

Me: TIERCE!

Tierce: What?

Me: I’m really glad to have you in my life.

Tierce: Of course you are.

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The Misanthropic Shiba

2 Comments

  1. Our red (Cody) does (flappy) airplane ears for the same reasons. He will also try to paw our leg off if the baby is fussing and we are just letting her “have at” for a while.

    Anji – Indiana

  2. Our Shiba (Willow) makes that exact same flat ears, waggy tail button eyes cute face when she really wants something or has been very naughty!

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