The Misanthropic Shiba

Me:  Well, I’m home.

Tierce:  That’s so awesome!  Bring me anything?

Me:  Hang on; I’ve got to get my stuff off.

Tierce:  …

Me:  Okay, there we go.  Hi, Tierce!  How’s my ‘ittle puppy?

Tierce:  Can I go outside?

Me:  You’re not happy to see me?  I’ve been gone for two days!

Tierce:  Uh, yeah, well, the excitement has passed.

Me:  Fine.  Go outside.

Tierce: Yay!

Me:  Wait… no.  Don’t start chewing on that bone.  I want you to go pee!

Tierce:  I like the bone.

Me:  NO.  Go.  Pee.

Tierce:  *nibble, stare, nibble, stare*

Me:  Okay, that’s it!

Tierce:  Nyah, nyah, nyah!  You can’t have this bone!  Neener neener.

Me:  Oh, it’s not the bone I want.

Tierce:  You can’t fool me; it’s the bone you want and I know it!

Me:  Tierce, I *gave* you that bone.

Tierce:  And I’m keeping it.

Me:  Fine!  In the house!

Tierce:  Okay, whatever you say.

Me:  DON’T TAKE THE BONE INTO THE HOUSE.

Tierce:  Look, I’m going into the house.  Just like you said.

Me:  DROP IT.

Tierce:  See, I’m in the house.

Me:  DROP THAT BONE!

Tierce:  I did what you told me to; I’m in the house and you’re still yelling at me.  You’re never happy are you?

Me:  Drop that bone or I’m going to drop-kick both you and the bone out into the yard and watch you try to chew it while you’re still rooting around in your large colon for your teeth!

Tierce:  Oh, if the SPCA could hear you now, Ms. I-Believe-In-Humane-Treatment-For-Animals!  *drops bone*

Me:  *kicking bone outside*  I could find a better dog.  A respectful dog.

Tierce:  OH ARE YOU PLAYING SOCCER? CAN I PLAY?  I’LL CATCH THE BONE!  KICK IT TO ME!

Me:  We are not playing soccer.  It’s midnight, I work tomorrow, I have to catch up on Facebook and blog about your inhumane treatment of your owner.

Tierce:  KICK THE BONE SO I MAY CHASE IT.

Me:  No, we’re going to play “curl up on the couch and shut the hell up”.

Tierce:  I don’t like that game right now.  KICK THE BONE.

Me:  *shuts and locks door*

Tierce:  Okay, fine, you don’t want to play soccer with the bone.  How about playing tug with my beefstick?

Me:  No.

Tierce:  Oh, let’s play with my toy hamster!

Hamster:  Chirpedeewow! *electronic beeps, squeals, whistles*

Me:  NO.  *turns hamster off, puts in inaccessible location*

Tierce:  My stuffed snowman?

Me:  No!  Go away!  Chew on your beefstick!

Tierce:  Oh, I know, you love playing with the Kong.

Me:  Forget it!

Tierce:  plonk

Me:  FML.  *toss*

Tierce:  Yay!

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