They play together so nicely

plonk.


Mischa (long suffering boyfriend): There is a Kong in my lap.

Tierce (balancing on top of the couch): Yeah, I don’t know how it got there. Throw it for me, will you?

Mischa: No. I’m resting.

Tierce: But I’m staring at you!

Mischa: No. I’m resting and I’m Alph- FOR FUCK’S SAKE THIS IS SLIMY AND DISGUSTING! (hurls Kong away from him)

Tierce (leaping off the back of the couch onto Mischa’s crotch and launching himself towards the Kong): YAYYYY!

Mischa: That hurt, but not as much as it’s going to hurt you in a minute.

Tierce: But I’m cute and I’ve got the Kongandyouneedtothrowitformerightnow!!!!

Mischa: The only thing I’m throwing is you.

Tierce (drops Kong on Mischa’s foot): Throw this!

Mischa: Ew! (kicks Kong across living room)

Tierce: YAYYYY!

Mischa: I’m going to watch Iron Chef. Maybe the secret ingredient today is Shiba.

Tierce: I GOT IT!!!

Mischa: I’m not throwing it for you.

Tierce: But it’s riiiiight heeeeeere! And I’m cute.

Mischa: FINE. (Takes Kong and puts it on top of the stack of cardboard boxes in the other room)

Tierce: …

Tierce: I can’t get it.

Mischa: YAYYYY!

Mischa (settles down on the couch): Now life is good.

(five minutes pass)

Tierce: …

Tierce: Hey, Mischa.

Mischa: Snore

Tierce: …

plonk.

Toby visits for the weekend

Toby comes to visit

Me: Remember Toby? He’s Chris’ dog.

Tierce: Hell, yeah. He’s the Golden Retriever that I can beat up.

Me: He’s 75 pounds. He’ll eat you.

Tierce: Yeah. Whatever.

Me: Hey Toby!

Toby: HIHihi!

Tierce: I could totally take you.

Toby: Let’s play!

Tierce: GRAAAHRRR!

Toby: GRAAAHRRR!

Tierce & Toby: Growl, growl, growl, bite, bite, bite.

Me: So, how’s that bullying going?

Tierce: Mmmf.

Me: Can’t hear you.

Tierce: Mmmmf! e’z mffing uh mmm HEAhn!

Me: Speak up.

Toby: I think what he’s trying to say is that I’m sitting on his head.

Me: So you are. Look at that little bugger flail.

Tierce: Mmmf! MMMMF! EnnhHHh! -OFF OF ME!

Toby: Oh, there you are.

Tierce: GRAAAAHHHRRRRR!

Toby: You’re funny!

Tierce: I’m your ALPHA!

Toby: Let’s play!

Tierce: Let’s me dominate you!

Toby: Okay. I’m on my back now. Let’s play!

Tierce: No! We’re supposed to fight for supremacy!

Toby: Okay, I’ll get up.

Tierce: mmMMMMFFF!

Toby: Are we fighting for supremacy now?

Tierce: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFF!

Me: I think it would facilitate the bloody battle of ascension if you stopped lying on him.

Toby: Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, I suppose it would.

Tierce: MMMmffFFF-KILL YOU!

Toby: Okay, let’s fight to the death.

Tierce: YAY! GRAAAAHRRRYAAAAWWWWNN

Toby: Graaaahrrryawn?

Tierce: Never mind. Let’s- YAAAAWWWN. I’m tired.

Toby: Yeah, me too. Let’s nap and kill each other later.

Tierce: Fine by me. Hey, later I can show you how to jump off the couch and hit somebody in the crotch on your way down.

Toby: Cool! Then I can show you how to stick your head between someone’s legs so you trip them while they’re carrying food!

Tierce: Yay! Best friends forever!

Me: Now you’ll be begging me for sleepovers.

Why didn’t I pick a stupid dog?

Me: Okay, go run around in the yard.

Tierce: Yay! What are you doing?

Me: Sitting with my laptop on the couch outside to make sure you don’t try to get through the gate again.

Tierce: Spoilsport.

Me: Yup, just here to ruin your day.

Tierce: Fine. Think you could take off this cone and this stupid dog T-shirt?

Me: No, because then you’ll lick and scratch yourself to death.

Tierce: But I’m ITCHY.

Me: I’d rather see you suffer than get a massive infection. The last vet bill was 183.46.

Tierce: Fine, be an autocratic dictator. I’m going to see how many things I can pee on before I run out of urine.

Me: That’s what you’re here for.

Tierce: Do-dee-doo-dee-do.

Me: Tierce… what are you doing?

Tierce: Sniffing around the back fence.

Me: Oh. Okay.

Tierce: *push*

Loose Fence Board: *creak*

Tierce: Wow, there’s a whole other yard back there!

Me: Tierce! What are you up to?

Tierce: Sniffing around the fence!

Me: Okay, that’s fine.

Tierce: *push*

Loose Fence Board: *CREAK*

Tierce: COOL!

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: WOW! There are other dogs that come in this yard!

Me: Where are you?

Other dogs (in the house): WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGINOURYARD

Tierce: Hey! I’m out here and you’re in there! Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?!

Other dogs: DEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATH!

Me: How did you get in there?

Tierce: So… many… new… smells…

Me: TIERCE! FRONT!

Tierce: Can’t front… sniffing!

Me: GETYOURASSOVERHEREKILLKILLKILL!

Tierce: Did you know these dogs had leftover steak last night? Why don’t I get leftover steak?

Neighbor: Here puppy!

Tierce: Why do your dogs get steak and I don’t?

Me: Thanks, can you just pass him through where this loose board is?

Tierce: I’m not done!

Me: Yes you are.

Neighbor: Here you go!

Me: Thanks so much. Sorry about that!

Neighbor: Oh, no problem.

Tierce: I was just exploring your yard and then you grabbed me and sent me back to prison. *I* have a problem!

Me: Oh, you have no idea. You know how to get by the gate and now I can’t let you run around the yard because you’ll find all the loose boards and get into other people’s property!

Tierce: I was just conducting canine urban reconnaissance.

Me: Well, you can conduct another reconnaissance in the tub. You need a bath.

Tierce: *gasp*

Me: You know, this hurts me more than it hurts y- oh who am I kidding. You’re going to be miserable and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

Tierce: You really are here just to ruin my day!

Me: Now I am. Want a rubber ducky?

A simple game of Fetch

Me: Here, Tierce! Get the ball!

Tierce: YAYYY! Throw it! Throwitthrowitthrowit!

Me: (toss)

Tierce: YAYYY! Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

Me: Okay, get it!

Tierce: Bounce! Bounce! Pounce!

Me: Good boy! Now bring it back here!

Tierce: …

Me: C’mon, bring it back here!

Tierce: but it’s mine.

Me: Yes, bring it back so I can throw it again!

Tierce: Mmmm… no.

Me: Come on, give it here.

Tierce: Ooo, chase me!

Me: Give it!

Tierce: You caaaan’t haaaave iiiiit…

Me: Drop it!

Tierce: Nyah! Nyah! Na Naaaaannnnnyyyyaaaahhhh!

Me: NO!

Tierce: Look, it’s chewy!

Me: No, don’t chew that; it’s not meant for chewing!

Tierce: I’ve goooooottttt iiiiitt and yoooooooooouuuu caaaaaan’t haaaaaavvvvveeee iiiiiiitttt.

Me: Okay, that’s it! You drop that right now!

Tierce: Fine, geez.

Me: (picks ball up)

Tierce: You could throw that for me.

Me: No, you don’t bring stuff back.

Tierce: Pleeeeeeaaaaaasssse?

Me: Forget it!

Tierce: But you have it and I want it! Pleeeeeaaaassse!

Me: Okay, fine, but you’ll have to bring it back.

Tierce: Okay, fine sure… throwitthrowitthrowit!

Me: (toss)

Ball: Glunk

Me: Oh, shit.

Tierce: Yeah, that’s what the ball landed in. And I’m going to GET it!

Me: No! Stay away from that! You lick me with that tongue!

Tierce: Don’t worry, I eat poop all the time and you’ve never had a problem with it before.

Me: I’m going to forget that and therefore will refrain from sending you to the big Shiba playground in the sky.

Tierce: Yay, ball!

Me: No! Don’t touch it!

Tierce: I’ve goooottt iiiiit and yoooooouuuu caaaaan’t haaaaave iiiiiit!

Me: No!

Tierce: Catch me!

Me: NO!

Tierce: I’ve gggggooooooottttt iiiiii-

Me: I’ve got the hose.

Tierce: aaaaaaaannnnnnnddd yoooooooo-

Me: On POWERWASH

Tierce: caaaaaaaaannnnn’ttttt haaaaaaa-

Hose: ROAR

Tierce: Aaaaaaah!

Me: Good puppy!

Tierce: EWWWWW!

Me: Hah!

Tierce: (glare)

Me: There you go, a clean ball!

Tierce: I don’t want to play now.

Me: Iiiii’vvvee goooooot iiiiiit and yoooooou caaaan’t haaaaaave iiiiit

Tierce: (sulk)

Me: Fine. You’re only spiting yourself.

Tierce: I’m going to play with this stick. Chew it, too.

Me: I don’t care! It’s a stick, not a $10 ball.

Tierce: Well, that’s no fun. Give me that ball.

Me: No.

Tierce: Gimme the ball!

Me: No!

Tierce: Pleeeeeeaaaaassse!

Me: Well… (toss)

Tierce: YAYYYY!

Getting there

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: What?

Me: We’re going for a RIDE!

Tierce: Is that my harness?

Me: Um, no…

Tierce: Liar!

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: I hate the harness.

Me: Don’t run away from me!

Tierce: I’m not coming near you, crazy woman. You want to trap me inside those straps!

Me: Come here! You need the harness to keep you safely in the trailer!

Tierce: No.

Me: COME HERE.

Tierce: NO.

Me: Okay, fine. I don’t have the harness.

Tierce: Okaaay… so, what do you wan-

Me: HA!

Tierce: Cheater!

Me: There you go. Oh, don’t look so tragic.

Tierce: Hate the harness. Hate you. Hate everything.

Me: Okay, we have to get moving… your appointment is in half an hour.

Tierce: Gonna go outside. Eat worms. Die.

Me: Okay, into the trailer!

Tierce: Hate the trailer.

Me: Okay, you’re snapped in… ready to go?

Tierce: Hate, hate, hate.

Me: Hmmm… where have I seen that before?

Tierce: Don’t care.

Me: Okay, here we go!

Tierce: mmm… Wind in my face!

Me: *pant* Are you sure you haven’t gained any weight in the last few months?

Tierce: With that crap you feed me? No, I haven’t.

Me: *gasp* That ‘crap’ is premium dog food. You should be grateful. Puppies are starving in Japan.

Tierce: You get pizza.

Me: That’s because I WORK for pizza. Like I’m working now!

Tierce: Sulk, sulk, sulk.

Me: Well, here we are!

Tierce: Don’t care. Harness evil. Will to live draining.

Me: You know what? I remember the good old days when dogs used to pull people.

Tierce: How barbaric!

Me: I actually quite like the idea. Ready to see the nice vet?

Tierce: No. Hate the vet. Hate you.

Me: Okay, there you go. No more harness.

Tierce: YAY! Oh frabjous day! The sweetness of life doth verily sing in mine veins!

Me: Calm down.

Tierce: Not calming down. Not listening. For now is the time for JOY!

Me: I brought some hamburger. And cheese…

Tierce: Cheese?

Tierce the Shiba ambassador to veterinary clinics everywhere

Vet and staff: Oh, no, another Shiba!

Tierce: Doo-de-doody-doo… hey, cheese!

Me: Yeah, the vet’s office is a WONDERFUL place, isn’t it?

Staff: He’s friendly?!

Vet: I don’t have to muzzle him?!

Tierce: I get to eat hamburger!

Me: What kind of Shibas have come in here before?

Vet and Staff: Neurotic fear-biters.

Me: Oookaaay…..

Vet: Okay, now I’m going to check him out.

Tierce: What are you doing?

Vet: Listening to your heart.

Tierce: Oh. Mmm… this is the expensive stuff from the top fridge shelf, isn’t it?

Me: Yes. Don’t tell Mischa; he’d flip.

Tierce: Don’t worry, I won’t. Yum.

Vet: Aaaaand… check your temperature…

Tierce: Hey! That’s a private area!

Me: Cheese!

Tierce: Yay!

Vet: Okay, can we check your teeth?

Me: Okay, Tierce, we’re going to check your teeth!

Tierce: Do I get cheese?

Me: Absolutely; just show the nice doctor your pearly whites.

Vet: Looks really good, except for the hamburger stuck between them.

Tierce: I’m working on it, okay?

Vet: Time for a shot… can you hold him?

Tierce: What’s she doin-

Me: Cheese!

Tierce: Yay!

Vet: Just a little pinch…

Tierce: What’s that?

Me: Cheese!

Tierce: Yay!

Vet: Okay, he’s good to go. This really is the friendliest, best behaved Shiba I’ve ever seen.

Me: Me too. It’s the magic of animal food products.

It’s muggy in Nanaimo

Tierce: It’s hot.

Me: Well we’re at the lake. Go swimming.

Tierce: No.

Me: Why? You like splashing around in it.

Tierce: If it touches my back, it will swallow me up.

Me: It will not. See? I’m swimming.

Tierce: You’re crazy. There’s MONSTERS in there.

Me: Oh, don’t be silly. Come on.

Tierce: No.

Me: Too bad; you’re going to learn that water won’t hurt you.

Tierce: NO.

Me: Okay, don’t worry. I’ve got you.

Tierce: This is bad! Let me go!

Me: Ouch! Stop it!

Tierce: I’m just trying to get back to shore before the water gets me.

Me: It’s not going to get you. Now isn’t that nice and cool?

Tierce: I hate you.

Me: How’s the water.

Tierce: Cool and refreshing and I still hate you.

Me: Okay, good boy! Now swim to shore!

Tierce: Hate, hate, hate.

Me: There, now aren’t you cooler?

Tierce: Much, owing to your cold, cold heart.

Wherein self-interest meets self-pity to the great satisfaction of all concerned

Tierce: Ooo, let’s go out for a walk!

Me: I don’t want to.

Tierce: But it’s sunny outside and there’s things to smell!

Me: Leave me alone.

Tierce: …

Tierce: I bet you want to. Look how bright it is out! And I want to see if the Labrador from down the street stopped by. Did you know that I can smell one part of urine in a million parts of-

Me: LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE LIFE! EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

Tierce: …

Tierce: [poke]

Me: I hate myself. I hate my life.

Tierce: I bet if you walk me, you’ll feel better. Well, I’ll feel better, but isn’t that the same thing?

Me: I’m a loser.

Tierce: LOOK! There he goes! Let’s go out so I can smell what he’s been up to!

Me: *sniff*

Me: I hate you.

Tierce: But you love walks, right?

Me: I hate walking you. I hate everything about it.

Tierce: But I’m really cute, right?

Tierce: [unbelievably cute look with the flattened ears and the wagging tail and the big eyes]

Me: Awww- WAIT, I FEEL MISERABLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Tierce: I’m soooo cuuuutttteeee… and I wannagoforawalk. Walk me!

Me: I’m ugly and fat.

Tierce: Walk me and get thinner!

Me: I’m depressed.

Tierce: A brisk walk will make you happier!

Me: *sob*

Tierce: [poke]

Me: …go awayyy…

Tierce: I will when you walk me.

Me: FINE.

Tierce: Yay!

Me: Shut up!

***

Tierce: And here’s where that Labrador from down the street peed a half-hour ago. Whew; I don’t think they’re feeding her very well. That Lhasa apso mix next door, though, he got steak today. Why don’t I get steak? And there’s some mixed breed that came by. Doesn’t smell like someone local, but-

Me: You know, it’s nice and sunny out. I feel better.

Tierce: -better not come around my yard; I’ll make him regret it. Ooooh, that unspayed cocker spaniel was here… she’s something, for sure-

Me: I should have come out and gone for a walk earlier; maybe I would feel better if I got more sunlight.

Tierce: -oooh, a hamburger wrapper! There’s not much on it, though, more’s the pity. I think I smell that Springer from across the way, but she hasn’t been here recently-

Me: You know, I’m really glad to have you, Tierce. You made me get out and enjoy the day.

Tierce: -that Golden Retriever two houses up. Smells like she doesn’t have much time left. She must be, what. Fifteen? Sixteen? Oooh! A bug!

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: -got to get it, aaah, aaah, GOT YOU! Mmm… crunchy- ew, sour. Pah! Bleh!-

Me: TIERCE!

Tierce: What?

Me: I’m really glad to have you in my life.

Tierce: Of course you are.

Dogs, Showing, and Testicles

Me: I need your help to practice showing with Tierce.

Tierce: Ew.

Boyfriend: What am I doing?

Me: You’re going to be the judge.

Boyfriend: Okay, what do I have to do?

Tierce: Let me go!

Me: You come up to Tierce and check his teeth.

Boyfriend: [Checks Tierce’s teeth]

Tierce: I hate you now. You remember all the times we lay together on the couch, watching TV? That’s all dead to me.

Me: Okay, now just run your hand down his back and stretch out his tail down his back legs. Good boy, Tierce! Gooood puppy!

Boyfriend: Okay, now what.

Tierce: Giving me more treats would be good.

Me: Now, just check his testicles.

Boyfriend: What?

Tierce: What?

Me: His testicles. Touch them to make sure he has both. That’s what the judges do to make sure the dog has both of them.

Boyfriend: I’m not touching the dog’s balls!

Tierce: Yeah! I mean, no! He’s not touching my balls.

Me: Oh don’t be so silly. All you have to do is-

Tierce: Hey, hands off my personal property!

Me: Good boy! -see?

Boyfriend: No.

Me: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s something that the judges do.

Tierce: I have just decided not to like the judges.

Boyfriend: Well, the judges can do it, then. I’m not touching the dog’s balls.

Me: [angrily] Well then, forget it! It’s not like I’m asking much!

Tierce: Well, if you ask me…

Boyfriend: I just don’t want to do it!

Me: So sorry for casting aspersions on your sexual orientation. I was unaware that training a dog for show involved your man-pride!

Tierce: Yay, she let me go!

Boyfriend: [stony silence]

Me: [stony silence]

Tierce: I’m free! Who wants to play with this Kong? Or these rings? Or this ball?

Boyfriend: …

Me: …

Tierce: Well, um, sorry I asked. Can I go outside?

Me: *sigh* Sure.

Tierce: Yay!

The Vacuum

Tierce: What are you doing?

Me: Getting out the vacuum.

Tierce: It’s evil.

Me: It is not evil; it’s what stands in the way of your undercoat staging a coup of the entire house.

Tierce: It growls at me.

Me: *sigh* Sure. That’s because it hates you.

Tierce: See? It’s evil!

Me: Maybe it would be less evil if you stopped trying to bite it while I’m sucking all your hair out of the carpet.

Tierce: I keep trying to warn you about these things, but you never listen to me! It’s bad, I tell you.

Me: Ahuh [turns on vacuum]

Vacuum: Growl.

Tierce: Growl.

Vacuum: Just you wait… one day I’ll sneak up behind you and suck you right up!

Tierce: Just you try!

Me: Tierce! STOP biting the vacuum!

Tierce: But did you just hear what it said to me?

Me: No! Leave it!

Vacuum: Ha! Your human can’t understand my plan to dominate the entire world! Mwahahaha!

Tierce: You’ll never succeed! I’ll fight you until my dying-

Me: NO! Stop it! You wanna go into the pen?

Tierce: But…

Me: Leave it ALONE.

Vacuum: And then, when I’m done with you, I’m going to suck up all the pizza, all the cheese and all the hamburger…

Tierce: NoooOOOooo!

Me: That’s it! Pen!

Tierce: But-

Me: PEN!

Tierce: You don’t under-

Me: Fine! [picks Tierce up and deposits him in the pen] And you can just stay there until the cleaning’s done!

Vacuum: Mwahahaha…

Vacuum: Mwahahaha! Look at you! You’re in the pen! And look at me! Free to cause mass destruction!

Tierce: You’ll never get away with this!

Vacuum: Watch me.

Me: Is that a knock at the door?

Vacuum: Hehehe

Tierce: [jumps against pen and knocks the ends askew]

Tierce: Ha! I’m out!

Vacuum: So, we meet again!

Me: Guess there was no one at the door- aw, crap, how did you get out?

Tierce: I’m about to save you from certain death!

Me: We’ve had this discussion before. Get away from it!

Tierce: No, I can’t in all conscience let it do its devil’s work any longer!

Me: Good thing I’m pretty much done in here.

Vacuum: Now, know fear!

Tierce: Now, know pain!

Me: STOP IT! [turns off vacuum]

Tierce: I won’t let it threaten this house any longer!

Vacuum: Glarg.

Tierce: ha HA! I killed it!

Me: I just turned it off.

Tierce: You should be more careful with these things; you could have been seriously hurt. Good thing I was here.

Me: Uh, yeah, sure.

Tierce: So, now what are we doing? How about a walk to celebrate my victory?

Me: No, I still want to vacuum the stairs and the bedroom.

Tierce: What?

Vacuum: Growl.