Tierce: I wanna go out.
Me: Shut UP! I’m taking you out!
Me: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I’M COMING DOWN IN A SECOND.
Tierce: Ooowwwuuut. *thump, thump, thumpthumpthump* Hi!
Me: Go away; I’m just finding my boots.
Tierce: Yay! Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthud
Me: Yeah, yeah yeah.
Tierce: Are you coming down so we can go awwaaahhoooooouuuuttttt?
Me: Ew, it’s raining outside. And cold.
Tierce: It’s OUTSIDE!
Me: Come here so I can put the leash on.
Tierce: Okay, okay, okay.
Me: Okay, let’s go. Ugh, it’s pouring!
Tierce: Hey, I haven’t sniffed that bush in, like, forever!
Me: This Flexi only goes out to 20 fee-
Me: Control yourself.
Tierce: Whatever *pee*
Me: Okay, let’s trudge to the park.
Tierce: Yay! Oh, that poodle from down the street was here earlier! And those little mop dogs from across the way! *pee*
Me: Yeah, yeah. Hurry up. I want you to do all your business so that we don’t have to go out again for a long, long, LONG time.
Tierce: Ooo! Someone left a pizza crust in the storm drain!
Me: It probably came in with the flood that is now threatening to overflow my boots. Leave it alone.
Tierce: But, it has cheese-
Me: Leave. It. Alone.
Tierce: All you give me is that crappy allergy food. *pee*
Me: You like that crappy allergy food.
Tierce: Yeah and you eat the same thing for every meal. Oh, wait, no. *pee*
Me: Your life is a tale of woe. Now go take a crap.
Tierce: …I don’t want to go here.
Me: Find a place. How about here? You like unmowed grass.
Tierce: It’s not the right place.
Me: Well, here’s a nice place.
Tierce: It’s too wet.
Tierce: It’s too familiar.
Me: You like open grass, don’t you?
Tierce: No, but there’s something yummy smelling around here…
Me: FORGET it! Attend to your BUSINESS. And by business, I mean TAKE A SHIT. NOW!
Tierce: I don’t feel like it.
Me: You little-
Tierce: Hey, the more you stress me out, the less likely it is that I’ll perform.
Me: -sweet, wonderful dog who I am going to strangle if you’ll only come over here, my love.
Tierce: Hey, I want to go over here!
Me: Sure, do you think you’re going to go?
Tierce: I think so, I think I feel something-
Tierce: Nothing. It wasn’t the right time.
Me: Would a massage help? I’ve got a couple of boots on that I’ll gladly plant in that region should you need help moving things along.
Tierce: That won’t be necessary. Let’s try over here.
Me: We’ve been out here for the last twenty minutes. My jacket is almost soaked through and you’re looking like the little rat that you are. What the hell are you trying to accomplish?
Tierce: Hey, you’re the one dragging me hither and yon. If you let me off, I could be done this in thirty seconds. I just have to find the right spot.
Me: You can find the right spot with the leash on.
Tierce: Your call. Hey, lookitthatbirdoooiwannachasethatbirdoit’sflyingaway…
Me: No! Let’s go over here.
Tierce: Meh. That spot has been so *done*.
Me: *Please* take a goddamned crap, Tierce, so I can go back inside and go back to bed. Please. I’m begging you.
Tierce: There is a time for all things under Heaven…
Me: I hate you. I’m wet and I’m cold and I’m standing here in a perfectly good vacant lot because you won’t take a crap and I hate you.
Tierce: It sucks, doesn’t it. My life has so few pleasures and this is one I’m loathe to part with.
Me: I’m going to have you neutered.
Tierce: So what? You were going to have it done anyway.
Me: Just GO.
Tierce: Yeah, at some point. I’m still finding out who was here last Saturday afternoon.
Me: FINE. I have HAD it. We’re going home! Let’s GO.
Tierce: Wait! I haven’t figured out if this dog lives around here or no-
Me: LET’S GO.
Tierce: Well, fine. You don’t have to be so BRUTAL about it.
Me: Cry me a fucking river of diarrhea.
Tierce: Speaking of that…
Tierce: Hold on a minute.
Me: We’re halfway home! I’m not stoppin- oh.
Tierce: Well, that was a relief.
Me: You couldn’t have done this back at the lot? Where there was a garbage can right there?
Tierce: I always wondered why you want to bag and save that stuff, considering the fuss you made when I pooped in the house that one time.
Me: I don’t want to save it, I want to throw it away! Which is why I like to have a garbage can close at hand!
Tierce: You humans are weird. You go off your rocker if I pee in the house, but you collect feces in bins instead of leaving them out to announce our territory and just disintegrate in the rain. On that note, you hate the rain and don’t like getting up early in the morning, but you would rather drag me around for half an hour than let me run around free outside to do my business. You’re nuts.
Me: What makes me nuts is my deliberate acquisition of YOU. You’re living proof that there’s a God and there’s some sins I haven’t atoned for yet.