Poor Little Puppy

tierceneuterTierce: Ow! Stupid cone!

Me: We can’t let you lick yourself.

Tierce: Owww… why is this happening to me? I never want to go to the vet’s again.

Me: You got neutered.

Tierce: What’s “noodered”?

Me: It’s where you remove the testicles.

Tierce: But why?

Me: So you can’t produce little Tierces with big allergy problems.

Tierce: But you don’t let me run loose anyway!

Me: Because it might help you with your aggression problem with bigger and stronger dogs who aren’t going to put up with your shit.

Tierce: Just because they won’t bow down before me, you say I have a problem.

Me: Uh, yeah. Moving right along. And there’s the high likelihood of prostate problems in the middle years.

Tierce: But it hurts!

Me: It will feel better in a few days.

Tierce: Owww!

Me: Try not to pay attention to it. Are you hungry?

Tierce: Hell, yeah! You STARVED me in preparation for this! Yeah, I’d love something.

Me: Have some kibble.

Tierce: Something not that.

Me: You like your kibble.

Tierce: Not nowowowow. Ow!

Me: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad.

Tierce: YOU’RE sorry. Oh, that’s rich.

Me: I am… we have some salmon in the cupboard. The $5 a can stuff…

Tierce: Well, I suppose I could choke down a few mouthfuls.

Me: … that was quick.

Tierce: Yeah, my hunger somehow came back to me.

Me: I put the painkiller the vet gave me on that, did you taste it? It might make you drowsy.

Tierce: It tasted like that rotten banana I was playing with one time when you got home from work.

Me: Uh, sure… feeling sleepy?

Tierce: Noooo…ow! OW! I WANNA LICK!

Me: Well you can’t.

Tierce: BUT IT HURTS AND YOU’RE MEAN.

Me: I’m not letting you lick it until it develops a sore or infection.

Tierce: Well, all I have to do is destroy this cone collar and I’m free! Free…

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: free…

Me: Maybe you should plan your freedom in your beanbag.

Tierce: Yeah… I’ll do that… Beanbags is great, yanno? Izz good… So flurfy and biteable… zzzZZZzzz…

Me: Yes, honey, they are. You go to sleep now.

Prey Drive

Me:  Well, it’s good to not have to drive home after the event.

Friend:  Here’s the bed.  I’m afraid that we couldn’t move the rabbit’s pen, but she shouldn’t be too noisy.

Me:  Rabbit?

Tierce:  Rabbit?

Me:  Thank Dog we brought Tierce’s pen.

Friend:  Well the rabbit’s pen’s sides are pretty high, so Tierce shouldn’t be able to get in there anyway.

Me:  I’m not going to tell her the story of how you scaled the compost heap, then jumped on to the top of the neighbor’s shed, then dropped six feet into the neighbor’s yard.

Tierce:  No, don’t tell her.  It’ll make the surprise all the greater when I-

Me: STAY AWAY FROM THE RABBIT!

Tierce:  I’m just *sniffing* it!

Friend:  He’s just sniffing it.  Oh, look!  He’s wagging his tail!  He wants to be friends!

Me:  Are you friends with your beef cattle?

Friend:  No, why?

Me:  Never mind.  Lovely house you ha- STAY AWAY FROM THE RABBIT!

Tierce:  I was just snif-

Me:  You were plotting where to bite!

Tierce:  I think you’re being way too paranoid.

Friend:  Are you talking to the dog?

Me:  No, I was establishing my dominance by means of verbal cues that alert Tierce to the imminent danger of his furry little neck being wrung.

Tierce:  She’s being meeeaaannn to me!

Friend:  Yes, she is being mean to my widdle fuwwy pwecious.  Pwecious puppy don’t wanna eat my bunny, does Pwecious?

Tierce:  Define ‘eat’.

Me:  He looks like a cute little 23 pound tiny husky who loves everybody, but he’s a KILLER!  I’m not leaving him alone down here!

Friend:  Besides, our rabbit’s really big.  She’s nearly his size.

Me:  This is the dog that I can’t take into the dog park because he deliberately picked a fight with a 110 pound Rottweiler and I’m not subjecting other dogs to him again.

Friend:  But he’s so cute!

Tierce:  But I’m so cute!

Me:  And a world-class jerk.

Tierce:  Well, if we’re going to call each other names…

Friend:  How can you feel that way about your own dog?

Me:  Easily.

Tierce:  She hates me.  She starves and beats me, too.

Friend:  Poor ‘ittle cutie!

Me:  Look, I know my dog.  I know that given a tenth of a quarter of a half a chance, he’ll kill your rabbit in the bloodiest, most disgusting way possible and quite possibly vomit what he ate up on your carpet and relieve himself of the rest in a stream of diarrhea that starts at the bottom of the stairs and ends somewhere underneath your couch.

Friend:  …is this from personal experience?

Me:  With a rabbit, no.  With one of my friend’s children’s beloved pets, no.  Believe me when I say this that I do not want this to become personal experience.

Friend:  Uh, you can put his pen over here.

Tierce:  Damn it.

Friend:  …I also have some plywood you can put across his pen for a roof…

Tierce:  That sucks.

Me:  That would be lovely.

The definition of character

Me:  I wish we had another dog for Tierce to play with.

Boyfriend:  Mmmhmm?

Me:  I was thinking of a Collie or something.  A farm collie, not a Rough collie or a Border collie.

Boyfriend:  I’d like a dog with a little more personality.

Me:  You think Collies have no personality?

Boyfriend:  I didn’t say that.

Me:  That means you think Collies have no personality.  You’re *insinuating* it.

Boyfriend:  I insinuate nothing.

Me:  So, do you think Collies have no personality?

Boyfriend:  …well I think they’re a little dull.

Me:  Compared to, say, a Boxer?  You’re always on about that Boxer you used to have.

Boyfriend:  Boxers are goofy!  And they’re always happy!

Me:  So, you like Tierce because he has a “personality”.

Boyfriend:  Well, yeah.

Me:  He doesn’t come when he’s called, he tries to hit you in the testicles with his front paws every  chance he gets and he chewed through your dialysis cord and sent you to the hospital.  Is that what you mean by personality?

Boyfriend:  He knows his own mind.  He wanted to be Alpha.

Me:  It’s like this whole nearly killing you thing was a real bonding experience for the two of you.

Boyfriend:  Hey, it was a natural thing.  I’m the Alpha and he tried to remove me so he could be Alpha.

He’s probably thinking of another way to kill me right now.

Me:  That’s great!  There’s nothing that really illuminates the 10,000 year bond between man and dog than a rogue Shiba inu plotting to kill you.

Boyfriend:  At least he’s interesting.

Me:  So… what, shall we get some kind of bully breed with an anger management problem?  Would that be interesting enough for you?

Boyfriend:  Is a boxer a bully breed?

Me:  Close enough.  Maybe we could train the dog to attack you as soon as you come in the door every day.  Excitement!  Challenge!

Water, water everywhere…

Tierce: Out?

Me: Mmmf.

Tierce: I wanna go out.

Me: MMrrrf.

Tierce: OWWWWUUUTTT?

Me: NNNGH.

Tierce: AAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWOOOOOUUUUTTTT?

Me: MRRNNNGGHstupidfuckingdog,hateyou,stupid,owmytoe,yesi’mtakingyou

Tierce: OOWWWAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOUUUUUUTTTT?

Me: Shut UP! I’m taking you out!

Tierce: *leap*

Door: *BANG!*

Me: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I’M COMING DOWN IN A SECOND.

Tierce: Ooowwwuuut. *thump, thump, thumpthumpthump* Hi!

Me: Go away; I’m just finding my boots.

Tierce: Yay! Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthud

Door: *BANG!*

Mischa: Gnnnrrrrrnnnngh.

Me: Yeah, yeah yeah.

Tierce: Are you coming down so we can go awwaaahhoooooouuuuttttt?

Me: Ew, it’s raining outside. And cold.

Tierce: It’s OUTSIDE!

Me: Come here so I can put the leash on.

Tierce: Aww.

Me: Tierce…

Tierce: Okay, okay, okay.

Me: Okay, let’s go. Ugh, it’s pouring!

Tierce: Hey, I haven’t sniffed that bush in, like, forever!

Me: This Flexi only goes out to 20 fee-

Tierce: Grrk!

Me: Control yourself.

Tierce: Whatever *pee*

Me: Okay, let’s trudge to the park.

Tierce: Yay! Oh, that poodle from down the street was here earlier! And those little mop dogs from across the way! *pee*

Me: Yeah, yeah. Hurry up. I want you to do all your business so that we don’t have to go out again for a long, long, LONG time.

Tierce: Ooo! Someone left a pizza crust in the storm drain!

Me: It probably came in with the flood that is now threatening to overflow my boots. Leave it alone.

Tierce: But, it has cheese-

Me: Leave. It. Alone.

Tierce: All you give me is that crappy allergy food. *pee*

Me: You like that crappy allergy food.

Tierce: Yeah and you eat the same thing for every meal. Oh, wait, no. *pee*

Me: Your life is a tale of woe. Now go take a crap.

Tierce: …I don’t want to go here.

Me: Find a place. How about here? You like unmowed grass.

Tierce: It’s not the right place.

Me: Well, here’s a nice place.

Tierce: It’s too wet.

Me: Here?

Tierce: It’s too familiar.

Me: You like open grass, don’t you?

Tierce: No, but there’s something yummy smelling around here…

Me: FORGET it! Attend to your BUSINESS. And by business, I mean TAKE A SHIT. NOW!

Tierce: I don’t feel like it.

Me: You little-

Tierce: Hey, the more you stress me out, the less likely it is that I’ll perform.

Me: -sweet, wonderful dog who I am going to strangle if you’ll only come over here, my love.

Tierce: Hey, I want to go over here!

Me: Sure, do you think you’re going to go?

Tierce: I think so, I think I feel something-

Me: Well?

Tierce: Nothing. It wasn’t the right time.

Me: Would a massage help? I’ve got a couple of boots on that I’ll gladly plant in that region should you need help moving things along.

Tierce: That won’t be necessary. Let’s try over here.

Me: We’ve been out here for the last twenty minutes. My jacket is almost soaked through and you’re looking like the little rat that you are. What the hell are you trying to accomplish?

Tierce: Hey, you’re the one dragging me hither and yon. If you let me off, I could be done this in thirty seconds. I just have to find the right spot.

Me: You can find the right spot with the leash on.

Tierce: Your call. Hey, lookitthatbirdoooiwannachasethatbirdoit’sflyingaway…

Me: No! Let’s go over here.

Tierce: Meh. That spot has been so *done*.

Me: *Please* take a goddamned crap, Tierce, so I can go back inside and go back to bed. Please. I’m begging you.

Tierce: There is a time for all things under Heaven…

Me: I hate you. I’m wet and I’m cold and I’m standing here in a perfectly good vacant lot because you won’t take a crap and I hate you.

Tierce: It sucks, doesn’t it. My life has so few pleasures and this is one I’m loathe to part with.

Me: I’m going to have you neutered.

Tierce: So what? You were going to have it done anyway.

Me: Just GO.

Tierce: Yeah, at some point. I’m still finding out who was here last Saturday afternoon.

Me: FINE. I have HAD it. We’re going home! Let’s GO.

Tierce: Wait! I haven’t figured out if this dog lives around here or no-

Me: LET’S GO.

Tierce: Well, fine. You don’t have to be so BRUTAL about it.

Me: Cry me a fucking river of diarrhea.

Tierce: Speaking of that…

Me: What?

Tierce: Hold on a minute.

Me: We’re halfway home! I’m not stoppin- oh.

Tierce: Well, that was a relief.

Me: You couldn’t have done this back at the lot? Where there was a garbage can right there?

Tierce: I always wondered why you want to bag and save that stuff, considering the fuss you made when I pooped in the house that one time.

Me: I don’t want to save it, I want to throw it away! Which is why I like to have a garbage can close at hand!

Tierce: You humans are weird. You go off your rocker if I pee in the house, but you collect feces in bins instead of leaving them out to announce our territory and just disintegrate in the rain. On that note, you hate the rain and don’t like getting up early in the morning, but you would rather drag me around for half an hour than let me run around free outside to do my business. You’re nuts.

Me: What makes me nuts is my deliberate acquisition of YOU. You’re living proof that there’s a God and there’s some sins I haven’t atoned for yet.

Getting there

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: What?

Me: We’re going for a RIDE!

Tierce: Is that my harness?

Me: Um, no…

Tierce: Liar!

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: I hate the harness.

Me: Don’t run away from me!

Tierce: I’m not coming near you, crazy woman. You want to trap me inside those straps!

Me: Come here! You need the harness to keep you safely in the trailer!

Tierce: No.

Me: COME HERE.

Tierce: NO.

Me: Okay, fine. I don’t have the harness.

Tierce: Okaaay… so, what do you wan-

Me: HA!

Tierce: Cheater!

Me: There you go. Oh, don’t look so tragic.

Tierce: Hate the harness. Hate you. Hate everything.

Me: Okay, we have to get moving… your appointment is in half an hour.

Tierce: Gonna go outside. Eat worms. Die.

Me: Okay, into the trailer!

Tierce: Hate the trailer.

Me: Okay, you’re snapped in… ready to go?

Tierce: Hate, hate, hate.

Me: Hmmm… where have I seen that before?

Tierce: Don’t care.

Me: Okay, here we go!

Tierce: mmm… Wind in my face!

Me: *pant* Are you sure you haven’t gained any weight in the last few months?

Tierce: With that crap you feed me? No, I haven’t.

Me: *gasp* That ‘crap’ is premium dog food. You should be grateful. Puppies are starving in Japan.

Tierce: You get pizza.

Me: That’s because I WORK for pizza. Like I’m working now!

Tierce: Sulk, sulk, sulk.

Me: Well, here we are!

Tierce: Don’t care. Harness evil. Will to live draining.

Me: You know what? I remember the good old days when dogs used to pull people.

Tierce: How barbaric!

Me: I actually quite like the idea. Ready to see the nice vet?

Tierce: No. Hate the vet. Hate you.

Me: Okay, there you go. No more harness.

Tierce: YAY! Oh frabjous day! The sweetness of life doth verily sing in mine veins!

Me: Calm down.

Tierce: Not calming down. Not listening. For now is the time for JOY!

Me: I brought some hamburger. And cheese…

Tierce: Cheese?

Wherein self-interest meets self-pity to the great satisfaction of all concerned

Tierce: Ooo, let’s go out for a walk!

Me: I don’t want to.

Tierce: But it’s sunny outside and there’s things to smell!

Me: Leave me alone.

Tierce: …

Tierce: I bet you want to. Look how bright it is out! And I want to see if the Labrador from down the street stopped by. Did you know that I can smell one part of urine in a million parts of-

Me: LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE LIFE! EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

Tierce: …

Tierce: [poke]

Me: I hate myself. I hate my life.

Tierce: I bet if you walk me, you’ll feel better. Well, I’ll feel better, but isn’t that the same thing?

Me: I’m a loser.

Tierce: LOOK! There he goes! Let’s go out so I can smell what he’s been up to!

Me: *sniff*

Me: I hate you.

Tierce: But you love walks, right?

Me: I hate walking you. I hate everything about it.

Tierce: But I’m really cute, right?

Tierce: [unbelievably cute look with the flattened ears and the wagging tail and the big eyes]

Me: Awww- WAIT, I FEEL MISERABLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Tierce: I’m soooo cuuuutttteeee… and I wannagoforawalk. Walk me!

Me: I’m ugly and fat.

Tierce: Walk me and get thinner!

Me: I’m depressed.

Tierce: A brisk walk will make you happier!

Me: *sob*

Tierce: [poke]

Me: …go awayyy…

Tierce: I will when you walk me.

Me: FINE.

Tierce: Yay!

Me: Shut up!

***

Tierce: And here’s where that Labrador from down the street peed a half-hour ago. Whew; I don’t think they’re feeding her very well. That Lhasa apso mix next door, though, he got steak today. Why don’t I get steak? And there’s some mixed breed that came by. Doesn’t smell like someone local, but-

Me: You know, it’s nice and sunny out. I feel better.

Tierce: -better not come around my yard; I’ll make him regret it. Ooooh, that unspayed cocker spaniel was here… she’s something, for sure-

Me: I should have come out and gone for a walk earlier; maybe I would feel better if I got more sunlight.

Tierce: -oooh, a hamburger wrapper! There’s not much on it, though, more’s the pity. I think I smell that Springer from across the way, but she hasn’t been here recently-

Me: You know, I’m really glad to have you, Tierce. You made me get out and enjoy the day.

Tierce: -that Golden Retriever two houses up. Smells like she doesn’t have much time left. She must be, what. Fifteen? Sixteen? Oooh! A bug!

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: -got to get it, aaah, aaah, GOT YOU! Mmm… crunchy- ew, sour. Pah! Bleh!-

Me: TIERCE!

Tierce: What?

Me: I’m really glad to have you in my life.

Tierce: Of course you are.

Of dogs, showing and testicles

Me: I need your help to practice showing with Tierce.

Tierce: Ew.

Boyfriend: What am I doing?

Me: You’re going to be the judge.

Boyfriend: Okay, what do I have to do?

Tierce: Let me go!

Me: You come up to Tierce and check his teeth.

Boyfriend: [Checks Tierce’s teeth]

Tierce: I hate you now. You remember all the times we lay together on the couch, watching TV? That’s all dead to me.

Me: Okay, now just run your hand down his back and stretch out his tail down his back legs. Good boy, Tierce! Gooood puppy!

Boyfriend: Okay, now what.

Tierce: Giving me more treats would be good.

Me: Now, just check his testicles.

Boyfriend: What?

Tierce: What?

Me: His testicles. Touch them to make sure he has both. That’s what the judges do to make sure the dog has both of them.

Boyfriend: I’m not touching the dog’s balls!

Tierce: Yeah! I mean, no! He’s not touching my balls.

Me: Oh don’t be so silly. All you have to do is-

Tierce: Hey, hands off my personal property!

Me: Good boy! -see?

Boyfriend: No.

Me: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s something that the judges do.

Tierce: I have just decided not to like the judges.

Boyfriend: Well, the judges can do it, then. I’m not touching the dog’s balls.

Me: [angrily] Well then, forget it! It’s not like I’m asking much!

Tierce: Well, if you ask me…

Boyfriend: I just don’t want to do it!

Me: So sorry for casting aspersions on your sexual orientation. I was unaware that training a dog for show involved your man-pride!

Tierce: Yay, she let me go!

Boyfriend: [stony silence]

Me: [stony silence]

Tierce: I’m free! Who wants to play with this Kong? Or these rings? Or this ball?

Boyfriend: …

Me: …

Tierce: Well, um, sorry I asked. Can I go outside?

Me: *sigh* Sure.

Tierce: Yay!

The vacuum

Tierce: What are you doing?

Me: Getting out the vacuum.

Tierce: It’s evil.

Me: It is not evil; it’s what stands in the way of your undercoat staging a coup of the entire house.

Tierce: It growls at me.

Me: *sigh* Sure. That’s because it hates you.

Tierce: See? It’s evil!

Me: Maybe it would be less evil if you stopped trying to bite it while I’m sucking all your hair out of the carpet.

Tierce: I keep trying to warn you about these things, but you never listen to me! It’s bad, I tell you.

Me: Ahuh [turns on vacuum]

Vacuum: Growl.

Tierce: Growl.

Vacuum: Just you wait… one day I’ll sneak up behind you and suck you right up!

Tierce: Just you try!

Me: Tierce! STOP biting the vacuum!

Tierce: But did you just hear what it said to me?

Me: No! Leave it!

Vacuum: Ha! Your human can’t understand my plan to dominate the entire world! Mwahahaha!

Tierce: You’ll never succeed! I’ll fight you until my dying-

Me: NO! Stop it! You wanna go into the pen?

Tierce: But…

Me: Leave it ALONE.

Vacuum: And then, when I’m done with you, I’m going to suck up all the pizza, all the cheese and all the hamburger…

Tierce: NoooOOOooo!

Me: That’s it! Pen!

Tierce: But-

Me: PEN!

Tierce: You don’t under-

Me: Fine! [picks Tierce up and deposits him in the pen] And you can just stay there until the cleaning’s done!

Vacuum: Mwahahaha…

Vacuum: Mwahahaha! Look at you! You’re in the pen! And look at me! Free to cause mass destruction!

Tierce: You’ll never get away with this!

Vacuum: Watch me.

Me: Is that a knock at the door?

Vacuum: Hehehe

Tierce: [jumps against pen and knocks the ends askew]

Tierce: Ha! I’m out!

Vacuum: So, we meet again!

Me: Guess there was no one at the door- aw, crap, how did you get out?

Tierce: I’m about to save you from certain death!

Me: We’ve had this discussion before. Get away from it!

Tierce: No, I can’t in all conscience let it do its devil’s work any longer!

Me: Good thing I’m pretty much done in here.

Vacuum: Now, know fear!

Tierce: Now, know pain!

Me: STOP IT! [turns off vacuum]

Tierce: I won’t let it threaten this house any longer!

Vacuum: Glarg.

Tierce: ha HA! I killed it!

Me: I just turned it off.

Tierce: You should be more careful with these things; you could have been seriously hurt. Good thing I was here.

Me: Uh, yeah, sure.

Tierce: So, now what are we doing? How about a walk to celebrate my victory?

Me: No, I still want to vacuum the stairs and the bedroom.

Tierce: What?

Vacuum: Growl.

No, you can’t play

Tierce: What are you doing?

Bravewolf: Nothing.

Tierce: But it looks like fun.

Mischa: Never mind.

Tierce: But you’re playing. In the bed. Under the blankets.

Bravewolf: Yes. We are. Glad we’ve sorted that out. Now. Get. Out. Of. The. Bedroom.

Tierce: Can I play?

Bravewolf & Mischa: NO!

Tierce: I like to play under blankets.

Bravewolf & Mischa: NO!

Tierce: Well you don’t have to be so mean about it.

Mischa: Apparently we do. Now get out of the bedroom before you get escorted out with some propelling force.

Tierce: Fine!

Tierce: …

Mischa: AAAUUUGGH!

Tierce: Your foot is salty.

Bravewolf: GET OUUUUUT!

Tierce: But now you’re PAYING ATTENTION TO ME! Why should I stop now?

Mischa: Apparently the philosophy of ‘ignore him until he performs the correct behaviour’ is not applicable to this case.

Bravewolf: Agreed.

Tierce: gets escorted out of the bedroom with some propelling force.

It’s that time again

Bravewolf: Guess what time it is?

Tierce: Time to give me that hamburger defrosting on the counter?

Bravewolf: No.

Tierce: Time to go out for another walk?

Bravewolf: Nope.

Tierce: Time to play with my Kong?

Bravewolf: (Holds up nail clippers)

Tierce: … (runs away)

Bravewolf (grabbing Tierce): Trust me, I hate this too.

Tierce: NOOOooooOOOOOooooOOOOoooo!

Bravewolf: Look, just hold still.

Tierce: No, it feels icky!

Bravewolf: If you hold still, it’ll get done faster!

Tierce: No, you’re gonna cut meeee!

Bravewolf: Only if you move.

Tierce: If you touch my feet again, I’ll-

Bravewolf: You’ll WHAT?

Tierce: Nothing.

Bravewolf: That’s what I thought. Don’t fucking move.

Tierce: moves

Tierce: Ow!

Bravewolf: Oh, shit. Now look what you did.

Tierce: That pinched!

Bravewolf: Because you moved. Where’s the styptic powder?

Tierce: Over there, where I knocked it over.

Bravewolf: You little shit.

Tierce: You hurt me! I hope you burn in hell forever!

Bravewolf (sticking the nail in some powder): Hell can’t possibly be more fun than this.

Tierce: You suck.

Bravewolf: Oh, I’m gonna suck more than you ever dreamed if you don’t stay very, very still.

Tierce: leans back in martyrdom

Bravewolf: There, that wasn’t so bad. Good puppy!

Tierce: Now can I have some hamburger?

Bravewolf: No.

Tierce: Not even after you hurt me?

Bravewolf: Not even after I hurt you.

Tierce: How about a walk?

Bravewolf: I don’t feel like it.

Tierce: Fine, I’m going to race around the house, wear the styptic powder off my nail and paw at your good clothes in the closet.

Bravewolf: Let’s go for a walk to take your mind off your recent trauma.

Tierce: Yayyy!