Me: I can’t believe Tierce is 5-and-a-half already.

Mischa: 5-and-a-half already. Are you 5-and-a-half, little puppy?

Tierce: Keep petting me.

Me: Can you imagine how it would be if he were a kid, how annoying he would be?

Mischa: More than he is already?

Me: Much more. We couldn’t shove him in a crate, for starters.

Mischa: What’s wrong with shoving your kid in a crate?

Me: I think Child Protective Services frowns on that sort of thing. Same with rolled up newspapers and training collars, apparently.

Mischa: Huh. Next thing they’ll be telling us that we can’t just keep the kid in the yard during the day while we’re both at work.

Me: Pretty much; it’s not like I could take a kid to a dog daycare. He would probably learn to crap outside instead of inside the house and not to bark, but that’s about it.

Mischa: Yeah, that’s true.

Me: I’m glad that we’re never having kids.

Mischa: And so is the rest of the world.

Me:  Well, I’m home.

Tierce:  That’s so awesome!  Bring me anything?

Me:  Hang on; I’ve got to get my stuff off.

Tierce:  …

Me:  Okay, there we go.  Hi, Tierce!  How’s my ‘ittle puppy?

Tierce:  Can I go outside?

Me:  You’re not happy to see me?  I’ve been gone for two days!

Tierce:  Uh, yeah, well, the excitement has passed.

Me:  Fine.  Go outside.

Tierce: Yay!

Me:  Wait… no.  Don’t start chewing on that bone.  I want you to go pee!

Tierce:  I like the bone.

Me:  NO.  Go.  Pee.

Tierce:  *nibble, stare, nibble, stare*

Me:  Okay, that’s it!

Tierce:  Nyah, nyah, nyah!  You can’t have this bone!  Neener neener.

Me:  Oh, it’s not the bone I want.

Tierce:  You can’t fool me; it’s the bone you want and I know it!

Me:  Tierce, I *gave* you that bone.

Tierce:  And I’m keeping it.

Me:  Fine!  In the house!

Tierce:  Okay, whatever you say.

Me:  DON’T TAKE THE BONE INTO THE HOUSE.

Tierce:  Look, I’m going into the house.  Just like you said.

Me:  DROP IT.

Tierce:  See, I’m in the house.

Me:  DROP THAT BONE!

Tierce:  I did what you told me to; I’m in the house and you’re still yelling at me.  You’re never happy are you?

Me:  Drop that bone or I’m going to drop-kick both you and the bone out into the yard and watch you try to chew it while you’re still rooting around in your large colon for your teeth!

Tierce:  Oh, if the SPCA could hear you now, Ms. I-Believe-In-Humane-Treatment-For-Animals!  *drops bone*

Me:  *kicking bone outside*  I could find a better dog.  A respectful dog.

Tierce:  OH ARE YOU PLAYING SOCCER? CAN I PLAY?  I’LL CATCH THE BONE!  KICK IT TO ME!

Me:  We are not playing soccer.  It’s midnight, I work tomorrow, I have to catch up on Facebook and blog about your inhumane treatment of your owner.

Tierce:  KICK THE BONE SO I MAY CHASE IT.

Me:  No, we’re going to play “curl up on the couch and shut the hell up”.

Tierce:  I don’t like that game right now.  KICK THE BONE.

Me:  *shuts and locks door*

Tierce:  Okay, fine, you don’t want to play soccer with the bone.  How about playing tug with my beefstick?

Me:  No.

Tierce:  Oh, let’s play with my toy hamster!

Hamster:  Chirpedeewow! *electronic beeps, squeals, whistles*

Me:  NO.  *turns hamster off, puts in inaccessible location*

Tierce:  My stuffed snowman?

Me:  No!  Go away!  Chew on your beefstick!

Tierce:  Oh, I know, you love playing with the Kong.

Me:  Forget it!

Tierce:  plonk

Me:  FML.  *toss*

Tierce:  Yay!

Tierce: Ow! Stupid cone!

Me: We can’t let you lick yourself.

Tierce: Owww… why is this happening to me? I never want to go to the vet’s again.

Me: You got neutered.

Tierce: What’s “noodered”?

Me: It’s where you remove the testicles.

Tierce: But why?

Me: So you can’t produce little Tierces with big allergy problems.

Tierce: But you don’t let me run loose anyway!

Me: Because it might help you with your aggression problem with bigger and stronger dogs who aren’t going to put up with your shit.

Tierce: Just because they won’t bow down before me, you say I have a problem.

Me: Uh, yeah. Moving right along. And there’s the high likelihood of prostate problems in the middle years.

Tierce: But it hurts!

Me: It will feel better in a few days.

Tierce: Owww!

Me: Try not to pay attention to it. Are you hungry?

Tierce: Hell, yeah! You STARVED me in preparation for this! Yeah, I’d love something.

Me: Have some kibble.

Tierce: Something not that.

Me: You like your kibble.

Tierce: Not nowowowow. Ow!

Me: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad.

Tierce: YOU’RE sorry. Oh, that’s rich.

Me: I am… we have some salmon in the cupboard. The $5 a can stuff…

Tierce: Well, I suppose I could choke down a few mouthfuls.

Me: … that was quick.

Tierce: Yeah, my hunger somehow came back to me.

Me: I put the painkiller the vet gave me on that, did you taste it? It might make you drowsy.

Tierce: It tasted like that rotten banana I was playing with one time when you got home from work.

Me: Uh, sure… feeling sleepy?

Tierce: Noooo…ow! OW! I WANNA LICK!

Me: Well you can’t.

Tierce: BUT IT HURTS AND YOU’RE MEAN.

Me: I’m not letting you lick it until it develops a sore or infection.

Tierce: Well, all I have to do is destroy this cone collar and I’m free! Free…

Me: Tierce?

Tierce: free…

Me: Maybe you should plan your freedom in your beanbag.

Tierce: Yeah… I’ll do that… Beanbags is great, yanno? Izz good… So flurfy and biteable… zzzZZZzzz…

Me: Yes, honey, they are. You go to sleep now.

Me:  Well, it’s good to not have to drive home after the event.

Friend:  Here’s the bed.  I’m afraid that we couldn’t move the rabbit’s pen, but she shouldn’t be too noisy.

Me:  Rabbit?

Tierce:  Rabbit?

Me:  Thank Dog we brought Tierce’s pen.

Friend:  Well the rabbit’s pen’s sides are pretty high, so Tierce shouldn’t be able to get in there anyway.

Me:  I’m not going to tell her the story of how you scaled the compost heap, then jumped on to the top of the neighbor’s shed, then dropped six feet into the neighbor’s yard.

Tierce:  No, don’t tell her.  It’ll make the surprise all the greater when I-

Me: STAY AWAY FROM THE RABBIT!

Tierce:  I’m just *sniffing* it!

Friend:  He’s just sniffing it.  Oh, look!  He’s wagging his tail!  He wants to be friends!

Me:  Are you friends with your beef cattle?

Friend:  No, why?

Me:  Never mind.  Lovely house you ha- STAY AWAY FROM THE RABBIT!

Tierce:  I was just snif-

Me:  You were plotting where to bite!

Tierce:  I think you’re being way too paranoid.

Friend:  Are you talking to the dog?

Me:  No, I was establishing my dominance by means of verbal cues that alert Tierce to the imminent danger of his furry little neck being wrung.

Tierce:  She’s being meeeaaannn to me!

Friend:  Yes, she is being mean to my widdle fuwwy pwecious.  Pwecious puppy don’t wanna eat my bunny, does Pwecious?

Tierce:  Define ‘eat’.

Me:  He looks like a cute little 23 pound tiny husky who loves everybody, but he’s a KILLER!  I’m not leaving him alone down here!

Friend:  Besides, our rabbit’s really big.  She’s nearly his size.

Me:  This is the dog that I can’t take into the dog park because he deliberately picked a fight with a 110 pound Rottweiler and I’m not subjecting other dogs to him again.

Friend:  But he’s so cute!

Tierce:  But I’m so cute!

Me:  And a world-class jerk.

Tierce:  Well, if we’re going to call each other names…

Friend:  How can you feel that way about your own dog?

Me:  Easily.

Tierce:  She hates me.  She starves and beats me, too.

Friend:  Poor ‘ittle cutie!

Me:  Look, I know my dog.  I know that given a tenth of a quarter of a half a chance, he’ll kill your rabbit in the bloodiest, most disgusting way possible and quite possibly vomit what he ate up on your carpet and relieve himself of the rest in a stream of diarrhea that starts at the bottom of the stairs and ends somewhere underneath your couch.

Friend:  …is this from personal experience?

Me:  With a rabbit, no.  With one of my friend’s children’s beloved pets, no.  Believe me when I say this that I do not want this to become personal experience.

Friend:  Uh, you can put his pen over here.

Tierce:  Damn it.

Friend:  …I also have some plywood you can put across his pen for a roof…

Tierce:  That sucks.

Me:  That would be lovely.