The curious incident of the Shiba in the night time.

Me:  Are we there yet?

Mischa:  Yup, get out.

Me:  I love our new car, but that paint the former owner used to spruce up the interior is making me ill.

Mischa:  It’s just a few more minutes.  We’ll stop off at my sister’s and then go to the hospital to visit Mom.

Tierce:  Hey, this place sounds familiar.

Me:  Sounds good.  Hey are we going to have dinner together tonight or should I pick up something at the hospital restaurant?

Mischa:  I think we’re fending for ourselves tonight.   I’m saving my Scotch egg for a snack if we end up staying with Mom for a while.

Tierce:  Don’t forget the dog.  I haven’t had anything to eat today!  I could be starving!

Me:  What’s a Scotch egg?  Was that one of those dumpling-looking things at MacLean’s Specialty Foods?

Mischa:  Yeah, it’s a hardboiled egg wrapped in sausage and rolled in breadcrumbs.  It’s really good.

Tierce:  I’ll say; it smells awesome!

Mischa:  Well, here we are.

Tierce:  Yay!

Me:  There ya go.

Tierce:  That smell… I remember being here.  I remember that smell!  I MUST HAVE IT!

Me:  Okay, and the computer can go here for now… and let’s see… I should take Tierce for a walk.

Mischa:  Well how about you do that and I’ll drive my niece to her job.

Me:  Great, see ya…  Tierce?

Me:  Tierce?

Me:  TIERCE!

Tierce:  CHASECHASECHASEKILLKILLKILL

Hamster that has been forgotten up until 3 seconds ago:  PANICPANICPANIC

Me:  OH MY GOD.

Tierce:  CHASEKILLCHASEKILLCHASEKILL

Me:  HOW DID YOU GET THAT CAGE OFF THE DESK?!

Tierce:  Kinda busy now.

Me:  NO!  NO!  NO!  LEAVE IT!  NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN!

Tierce:  Well if you wanted first dibs, you totally should have let me know before.  I’m sorry; you can kill and eat it if you want…. Bitch.

Me:  Never touch this hamster!  Never look at it!  Never think of it!  LEST YOU DIE!

Tierce:  Okay, okay… look, I’m being submissive.  I won’t muscle in on your territory… it’s cool…

Me:  LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO THE FLOOR!

Tierce:  Dude, seriously, you’re getting way too freaked out.  I TOLD you it was okay.  Go ahead… kill and eat it; I’m cool with it being yours okay?  I mean, it would be awesome if you gave me a piece, but-

Me:  NO ONE IS KILLING OR EATING THIS HAMSTER.

Hamster:  Can I just go back into my cage and we can pretend this never happened?

Tierce:  I don’t know, you’re rather *unforgettable*.

Hamster:  AAAAAHHH!

Me:  YOU ARE NOT KILLING OR EATING THIS HAMSTER!

Tierce:  Killjoy.  Are you people, like, squirrels or something?  Do you save these things for the winter?

Me:  I am cleaning this up and putting the hamster back in the cage.  You are going to lie there and think over your bad behaviour.

Tierce:  Not getting the cage open in time before you came downstairs?

Mischa:  Hi, what happened here?

Me:  Tierce tried to kill the hamster.

Mischa:  Tierce!  BAD DOG!

Tierce:  Everyone’s making a fuss.

Mischa:  Is it okay?

Hamster:  Would you be?

Me:  It seems okay; I can only hope it won’t die in the next week or so or we’ll be in for it.

Mischa:  Here’s the vacuum.

Tierce:  My ancient enemy!

Me:  You stay right there!

Tierce:  You know what?  I don’t even care anymore if it tries to take over the world.  You’re both completely insane.

Me:  Okay, we’re done.

Mischa:  You know, I think we should bring him with us.  He can stay in the car while we visit Mom; it’s evening and it won’t be hot or anything.

Me:  Yeah, I agree.

Tierce:  Damn.  Heyyy, how are ya doing.

Hamster:  Suddenly less well.

Me:  TIERCE!  GET AWAY FROM THE HAMSTER!

Mischa:  BAD DOG!

Tierce:  Jeez, fine… although I bet you spoilsports aren’t even going to eat the damn thing.  The least you could do is feed me.  I’m starving.

Me:  Definitely bringing the dog with us.

Tierce:  Dammit, I wanted to stay there!  I bet the kitchen is full of good stuff I can find in the corners.  And I’m sure I could learn to open the door to the downstairs if I try hard enough.

Mischa:  Fucking dog.

Me:  I know.  What a little shit.

Mischa:  I guess that’s what they’re bred for, though.

Me:  Yeah.  What gets me, though, is the fact that we’ve never let him chase things or kill things and the second he sees a rabbit or a hamster, he’s like a great white shark homing in on a chum slick.

Mischa:  No kidding.  Well, here we are.  Tierce, you be a good boy!  Well, as much as you’re able to.

Me:  You be a good puppy!

Tierce:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

***

Me:  Well, we’re back.  Tierce!  Get in the back seat!

Tierce:  Fine.

Mischa:  What’s this paper bag on the front seat?

Me:  What paper bag?

Mischa:  Oh you fucking little shit.

Tierce:  What?

Me:  What?

Mischa:  That little bastard ate my Scotch egg!