Me: Are we there yet?
Mischa: Yup, get out.
Me: I love our new car, but that paint the former owner used to spruce up the interior is making me ill.
Mischa: It’s just a few more minutes. We’ll stop off at my sister’s and then go to the hospital to visit Mom.
Tierce: Hey, this place sounds familiar.
Me: Sounds good. Hey are we going to have dinner together tonight or should I pick up something at the hospital restaurant?
Mischa: I think we’re fending for ourselves tonight. I’m saving my Scotch egg for a snack if we end up staying with Mom for a while.
Tierce: Don’t forget the dog. I haven’t had anything to eat today! I could be starving!
Me: What’s a Scotch egg? Was that one of those dumpling-looking things at MacLean’s Specialty Foods?
Mischa: Yeah, it’s a hardboiled egg wrapped in sausage and rolled in breadcrumbs. It’s really good.
Tierce: I’ll say; it smells awesome!
Mischa: Well, here we are.
Me: There ya go.
Tierce: That smell… I remember being here. I remember that smell! I MUST HAVE IT!
Me: Okay, and the computer can go here for now… and let’s see… I should take Tierce for a walk.
Mischa: Well how about you do that and I’ll drive my niece to her job.
Me: Great, see ya… Tierce?
Hamster that has been forgotten up until 3 seconds ago: PANICPANICPANIC
Me: OH MY GOD.
Me: HOW DID YOU GET THAT CAGE OFF THE DESK?!
Tierce: Kinda busy now.
Me: NO! NO! NO! LEAVE IT! NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN!
Tierce: Well if you wanted first dibs, you totally should have let me know before. I’m sorry; you can kill and eat it if you want…. Bitch.
Me: Never touch this hamster! Never look at it! Never think of it! LEST YOU DIE!
Tierce: Okay, okay… look, I’m being submissive. I won’t muscle in on your territory… it’s cool…
Me: LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO THE FLOOR!
Tierce: Dude, seriously, you’re getting way too freaked out. I TOLD you it was okay. Go ahead… kill and eat it; I’m cool with it being yours okay? I mean, it would be awesome if you gave me a piece, but-
Me: NO ONE IS KILLING OR EATING THIS HAMSTER.
Hamster: Can I just go back into my cage and we can pretend this never happened?
Tierce: I don’t know, you’re rather *unforgettable*.
Me: YOU ARE NOT KILLING OR EATING THIS HAMSTER!
Tierce: Killjoy. Are you people, like, squirrels or something? Do you save these things for the winter?
Me: I am cleaning this up and putting the hamster back in the cage. You are going to lie there and think over your bad behaviour.
Tierce: Not getting the cage open in time before you came downstairs?
Mischa: Hi, what happened here?
Me: Tierce tried to kill the hamster.
Mischa: Tierce! BAD DOG!
Tierce: Everyone’s making a fuss.
Mischa: Is it okay?
Hamster: Would you be?
Me: It seems okay; I can only hope it won’t die in the next week or so or we’ll be in for it.
Mischa: Here’s the vacuum.
Tierce: My ancient enemy!
Me: You stay right there!
Tierce: You know what? I don’t even care anymore if it tries to take over the world. You’re both completely insane.
Me: Okay, we’re done.
Mischa: You know, I think we should bring him with us. He can stay in the car while we visit Mom; it’s evening and it won’t be hot or anything.
Me: Yeah, I agree.
Tierce: Damn. Heyyy, how are ya doing.
Hamster: Suddenly less well.
Me: TIERCE! GET AWAY FROM THE HAMSTER!
Mischa: BAD DOG!
Tierce: Jeez, fine… although I bet you spoilsports aren’t even going to eat the damn thing. The least you could do is feed me. I’m starving.
Me: Definitely bringing the dog with us.
Tierce: Dammit, I wanted to stay there! I bet the kitchen is full of good stuff I can find in the corners. And I’m sure I could learn to open the door to the downstairs if I try hard enough.
Mischa: Fucking dog.
Me: I know. What a little shit.
Mischa: I guess that’s what they’re bred for, though.
Me: Yeah. What gets me, though, is the fact that we’ve never let him chase things or kill things and the second he sees a rabbit or a hamster, he’s like a great white shark homing in on a chum slick.
Mischa: No kidding. Well, here we are. Tierce, you be a good boy! Well, as much as you’re able to.
Me: You be a good puppy!
Tierce: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Me: Well, we’re back. Tierce! Get in the back seat!
Mischa: What’s this paper bag on the front seat?
Me: What paper bag?
Mischa: Oh you fucking little shit.
Mischa: That little bastard ate my Scotch egg!