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Me: That’s interesting.

Tierce: What?

Me: This gingerbread man has an arm missing.

Tierce: That is interesting.

Me: It didn’t before you ‘accidentally’ tipped it off the plate.

Tierce: Hey, shit happens. Nothing to do with me.

Me: Right. So, in theory, if this ‘accident’ happened in a small area – say a small table outside a cafe – the arm should still be there.

Tierce: Maybe it fell down a crack somewhere.

Me: I’m thinking it fell down the crack behind your tongue.

Tierce: You’re just imagining things.

Me: Isn’t that crystallized sugar stuck between your teeth?

Tierce: Um… no.

Me: You’re not very convincing.

Tierce: Look, I’m just concerned for your health. You’re not the thinnest person on the planet.

Me: Says the dog that’s 3 pounds overweight.

Tierce: Hey, I’m just looking out for your welfare. I’m only thinking of you.

Me: And my gingerbread.

Tierce: And your gingerbr- wait, no. You! Just you.

Me: Right.

Tierce: But while we’re on the subject, are you going to eat the whole thing?

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Tierce: I never get to tell you where to go.

Me:  You certainly try.  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why my rotator cuff is damaged.

Tierce:  I may try to influence you.

Me:  That’s pulling, not influencing.

Tierce:  Oh, so you influence me into the tub?  You influence me onto the grooming table?  You influence me into the vet’s office?

Me:  No, that’s called ‘dragging you in, kicking and screaming and disgracing yourself’.

Tierce:  Conscientious objection is not disgraceful.

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Tierce: You’ve got a thing for putting me in swings lately.

Me: Yeah, it makes for a cute picture. Besides, you like swinging.

Tierce: I tolerate it when you put me in that position, but it’s not something I would seek out on my own.

Me: Tierce, the Swinging Shiba!

Tierce: Doesn’t North American human slang use that word for…

Me: …yeah, forget it. You’re not Tierce the Swinging Shiba.

Tierce: Well, I could have been, but guess who decided to get my balls cho-

Me: CHILDREN’S playground, Tierce.

Tierce: What are they, 9? 10? I’m not even 5 and I was only 2 when you had me gel-

Me: KIDDIES here.

Tierce: So when are THEY going to get neutered? THAT word okay?

Me: We don’t neuter human children.

Tierce: Why not? Saves a lot of time and trouble. Less dominance issues! Less mounting problems!

Me: Most people think that it’s cruel to deny other people the right to reproduce, even if they have the parenting skills of a rabid squirrel.

Tierce: What’s the world’s population now? 7 billion? Ish?

Me: Yeah, we aren’t in danger of extinction for now. No, it’s more the issue of making a decision for someone who doesn’t have control over their life and can’t knowledgeably choose a course of action.

Tierce: WOW, doesn’t sound at ALL like OUR relationship.

Me: Your decision-making skills don’t include the ability to decide whether or not to pass on your genes. Besides, when you were intact, you were a little shit.

Tierce: I had something to prove.

Me: That you could attack and kill a 110 pound Rottweiler?

Tierce: Yeah, like that. I would have, too, if Mischa hadn’t pulled me off.

Me: The way I heard it, the dog politely let you up after you went after him and he magnanimously decided to let you keep your face.

Tierce: Yeah! I showed him!

Me: And that was your last time in the dog park until you were neutered.

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Me:  Aw, puppy’s on the swing.

Tierce:  You put me here.

Me:  You look pretty relaxed.

Tierce:  Compared to some of the humiliation you’ve put me through, this is nothing.

Me: You see? You’re so cute when you’re doing human things!

Tierce: Like anthropomorphizing?

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Tierce:  WTF?

Me:  Hang on; I want to get another picture.

Tierce:  Get this off me.

Me:  Aww, you look so cute in a Shiba sandwich.

Tierce:  Did you ever hear of dogs who tripped their owners down the stairs?  Did you ever wonder what the expression of those dogs looked like?

Me:  You know, you’re not being cute.

Tierce:  You’re absolutely right; this isn’t a cute look.  This is a “watch your iPhone or the vet will be removing it from my large intestine” look.

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Tierce:  Are you happy exposing  my private life to everyone?

Me:  Ecstatic.

Tierce:  You know, to be accurate, that isn’t a bounce.  It’s a leap.

Me:  ’Bounce’ sounds cuter.

Tierce: Yeah.  Yeah, sure.  Let’s not tell them that this was just a moment of crazy because I was free of your instrument of oppression for a few precious minutes.

Me:  You mean the leash?

Tierce:  I mean fetters of slavery!

Me:  You would run into the street if I didn’t have you on a leash.

Tierce:  And you crush free expression!

Me:  I don’t think a bloodstained bundle of orange fur on the side of the road really paints a compelling picture of ‘free expression’.

Tierce:  You are an enemy of Art!

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Tierce: What’s that?

Me: That’s you being full of artistic merit.

Tierce: That’s me staring at you contemptuously through a table.

Me: It’s full of artistic merit.

Tierce: You keep saying that. Do you even know what it means?

Me: It means that this picture got 44 ‘Likes’ on Facebook.

Tierce:  Oh yeah.  You’re obviously the next incarnation of Sister Wendy Beckett.

Me:  It’s a nice picture!

Tierce:  ”Oh yes; the picture is evocative of the delicate balance between artistry and GETTING THE DOG OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE SO THAT HE CAN HAVE SOMETHING – ANYTHING - TO EAT.”

Me:  Tierce, you’re 28 pounds.  You’re at least three pounds overweight and when you consider that you’re only 16 inches at the shoulder, that’s a lot.

Tierce:  Oh, but you’ll sit there stuffing your face while I languish under the table.

Me:  Your argument would be a little stronger if I hadn’t been pulling you in the bike trailer to and from the venue.

Tierce:  And whose choice was that?

Me:  It’s a good thing that your face doesn’t reflect your attitude or you’d look like that Chinese Crested mix who won The World’s Ugliest Dog contest.

Tierce: Speaking of contests, aren’t you tired of shilling me for the sake of your own ego?

Me:  Not in the slightest.

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Tierce: I’m not smiling, I’m panting.

Me:  You’re smiling.

Tierce:  It has nothing to do with what you humans view as a pleasant expression.

Me:  Well, your breath doesn’t; that’s for sure.

Tierce:  I can’t help my breath; I’m a carnivore feasting on living flesh.

Me:  The only living flesh you’ve ever feasted on was that disgusting rat you were dragging around last week.

Tierce:  I can’t help that I was born a fierce hunter.

Me:  Of what?  Squeaky toys?

Tierce:  DON’T JUDGE ME!

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Tierce:  This is boring.

Me:  I just want *one* good picture of you in my cousin’s shop, since she was kind enough to let you come in.

Tierce:  You act like I’m going to run around, pee on the merchandise and get fur on everything.

Me:  I just don’t want to tempt Fate.

Tierce:  Fate?  Where’s Fate?  Don’t worry about Fate; worry about me – I’m right here.  Fate is what happens when you leave the front door open on garbage day.

Me:  Just… lie there for a minute, okay?

Tierce:  Are you really going to buy that?

Me:  Yes.

Tierce:  Don’t you have another at home?

Me:  Nothing like this; I’m investing in something that is going to be long-wearing and feels nice against my skin.

Tierce:  You and your removable fur substitutes.  If you had a fur coat, you wouldn’t need to buy other ones.

Me:  Conversations with you make a fur coat seem more and more of a positive thing.  Or at least a pair of mittens or a scarf.

Tierce:  Oh ha ha ha.  Did I ever tell you that I count the cliches you make when you talk?

Me:  I’m going to look like someone killed my dog in a moment.

(My cousin does own Hemp & Company Vic West in Victoria BC.  Go check out her store!)

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