Me: I need your help to practice showing with Tierce.
Boyfriend: What am I doing?
Me: You’re going to be the judge.
Boyfriend: Okay, what do I have to do?
Tierce: Let me go!
Me: You come up to Tierce and check his teeth.
Boyfriend: [Checks Tierce’s teeth]
Tierce: I hate you now. You remember all the times we lay together on the couch, watching TV? That’s all dead to me.
Me: Okay, now just run your hand down his back and stretch out his tail down his back legs. Good boy, Tierce! Gooood puppy!
Boyfriend: Okay, now what.
Tierce: Giving me more treats would be good.
Me: Now, just check his testicles.
Me: His testicles. Touch them to make sure he has both. That’s what the judges do to make sure the dog has both of them.
Boyfriend: I’m not touching the dog’s balls!
Tierce: Yeah! I mean, no! He’s not touching my balls.
Me: Oh don’t be so silly. All you have to do is-
Tierce: Hey, hands off my personal property!
Me: Good boy! -see?
Me: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s something that the judges do.
Tierce: I have just decided not to like the judges.
Boyfriend: Well, the judges can do it, then. I’m not touching the dog’s balls.
Me: [angrily] Well then, forget it! It’s not like I’m asking much!
Tierce: Well, if you ask me…
Boyfriend: I just don’t want to do it!
Me: So sorry for casting aspersions on your sexual orientation. I was unaware that training a dog for show involved your man-pride!
Tierce: Yay, she let me go!
Boyfriend: [stony silence]
Me: [stony silence]
Tierce: I’m free! Who wants to play with this Kong? Or these rings? Or this ball?
Tierce: Well, um, sorry I asked. Can I go outside?
Me: *sigh* Sure.