Tierce: What is this? What are you posting on my Facebook page?
Me: Friend’s cat is sick. Needs help in the form of money.
Tierce: I don’t help cats. Cats are the enemy.
Me: You were okay looking at him through the window.
Tierce: Yeah, through the window. He wanted to kill me.
Me: He did not.
Tierce: Yeah, when you weren’t looking, he stared at me. And showed his claws.
Me: He probably didn’t know what the hell you were.
Tierce: But he was willing to see how I tasted.
Me: Don’t be ridiculous. He might be a little nuts, but that cat-
Tierce: Threatened to shiv me if I came inside.
Me: Well that was why you were left outside.
Tierce: At the mercy of the elements.
Me: It was spring! It was sunny! It was 18 degrees!
Tierce: Could have changed at any moment. Abandoner.
Me: We were right on the other side of the damn drywall.
Tierce: Petting the cat.
Me: Look, if you were in this state, you’d better believe I would be trying to help you.
Tierce: Because it’s your job.
Me: So you should try to help other beings in the same situation.
Tierce: Catshit. Which is tasty, by the way.
Me: Don’t be disgusting. I’m putting this on your page.
Tierce: What do I get out of it?
Me: Maybe if you’re a little more enthusiastic about it, they might give you some Kraft Singles or something.
Me: Uh, sure. Totally. Never a doubt.
Tierce: Wow, this is awesome! Put that on my page. And maybe I could write a poem.
Me: That’s the spirit!
Tierce: The spirit of self-interest?
Me: Whatever motivates you to charitable work.
Tierce: Reason enough for me.