The Misanthropic Shiba

Archive for the ‘tms’ Category

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: Sunset? Are you serious? I’ve never appreciated a sunset in my life.

Me: I wanted to show people that you’re a part of nature.

Tierce: I thought I did that the last time I got out of the house.

Me: No, that just showed people that you’re an asshole.

Tierce: Look who’s swearing now.

Me: You naturally bring it out in people.

Tierce: So, given up on me being a star? You missed the last three days of posting about me.

Me: Eh, I don’t think it’s going to do much good. You’re nearly 400 down.

Tierce: It can’t be because people don’t recognize my natural awesomeness; it must be because you’re a crappy marketer.

Me: Thanks ever so. I’ll have you know that marketing via social media is one of my *skills*.

Tierce: Oh, wait, I get it! This is like Superman pretending to be Peter Parker, right? You’re just pretending to be an all-around dumbass?

Me: Peter Parker was Spiderman, dumbass.

Tierce: Whatever.

Me: Look, I’m just trying to associate you in people’s minds with sunsets and beautiful, positive things and all that. You know, so they’ll vote more.

Tierce: And how is that marketing campaign going?

Me: Come to think of it, like a Tom Cochrane song.

Vote for Tierce and his appreciation for natural beauty in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce? Tierce!

Tierce: I’m right here.

Me: Oh.

Tierce: In addition to all your other failings, you can’t see now?

Me: Well, you kind of blend into the background.

Tierce: I AM STEALTH SHIBA.

Me: Tierce, I can see you grabbing at my ankles.

Tierce: No you can’t.

Me: Yes I can. I can even grab-

Tierce: No you can’t.

Me: Treat?

Tierce: Huh?

Me: Cheese!

Tierce: Ooooh!

Me: *grab*

Tierce: That was cheating!

Me: It’s called ‘strategy’, Tierce.

Vote for Tierce and his camo fur in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: It’s pretty awesome, having an off-leash dog area a minute away from where we’re staying.

Tierce: Off leash!

Me: Hang on! If you keep lunging, I can’t get the leash off your collar. There you g-

Tierce: SWOOSH

Me: Tierce? Tierce! TIERCE!

Tierce: ZOOOOOM!

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: I AM ROCKET SHIBA.

Me: Okay… just as long as I know where you a-

Squirrel: *scamper*

Tierce: I AM DEATH SHIBA.

Me: Tierce! You’ll never catch it.

Tierce: PREY CHASE KILL EAT.

Squirrel: Wow, five feet is an impressive leap. But, if you may have noticed, I am 24 feet up the tree.

Tierce: YOU SHALL DIE TO FEED MY HUNGER.

Me: Tierce… Tierce. Tierce! The squirrel is not coming down. You are not going up. Save us all the tedium and come on!

Tierce: I will stay here until I catch my prey!

Leaf: *flutter*

Tierce: *YOU* SHALL DIE!

Leaf: *obligingly dies*

Tierce: Okay! What were we doing?

Me: Uh… running down this trail.

Tierce: SWOOSH

Me: Tierce? Tierce!

Tierce: Here I am! Looking down on you.

Me: Like that’s new.

Tierce: King of all I survey.

Me: I’ll be sure to tell the Victoria Parks & Recreation people.

Vote for Tierce and his awesome garb in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Okay, Tierce, here we go!

Tierce: Like a herd of thundering turtles.

Me: Don’t blame me, hauling your fat ass around takes about 4 km/hr off my speed.

Tierce: It’s probably all that time you spend at the computer eating chocolate, if you ask me.

Me: I didn’t ask you.

Tierce: This is why you make so many mistakes in life.

Me: Would you like to get out and pull?

Tierce: No, no… you need your exercise. I’m here to help you.

Me: You know, I remember the good old days, when dogs used to pull people. You ever think we should go back to tradition?

Tierce: And waste all the money you put into this special dog trailer? No, I couldn’t do that to you.

(The trailer in question is a DoggyRide bicycle trailer. Go check out their stuff!)

Vote for Tierce and his DoggyRide in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Hey Tierce!

Tierce: Go away, I’m tired of your abuse.

Me: It’s the Day of the Dead!

Tierce: Are you dead? Doesn’t sound like it.

Me: Here’s your costume. You’re a mummy.

Tierce: A mummy. That’s Egyptian. I’m Japanese.

Me: There were mummies in Japan. Self-made mummies.

Tierce: Self-made mummies. So they yanked their brains out of their nostrils themselves and wrapped themselves in bandages? Bandages that I’m sure didn’t say ‘K Bro Linen Systems’ on them.

Me: It was a pillowcase. It was the only thing I could find that I could use.

Tierce: What hotel did you steal this from?

Me: ANYWAY… They were called Sokushinbutsu and they were pretty freaky.

Tierce: Oh, they dressed up their dogs for stupid holidays, too? Isn’t the Day of the Dead Mexican? Did they dress up their dogs for stupid Mexican holidays?

Me: Yes. They did. In fact, they dressed them up for Mardi Gras and the annual Cheese Rolling Festival in Gloucestershire. Can I continue?

Tierce: Okay, whatever.

Me: So for 1000 days – about 3 years, they would eat nothing but nuts and seeds. They would work out with the intensity of an Iditarod dog sled team. Then, for another 1000 days, they would only eat bark and leaves. Then they would drink a poisonous tea, wall themselves up in a little tomb and ring a little bell every day to let people know they were still alive. When the bell stopped ringing, the tomb was sealed up until they went to check to see if the guy became a mummy. Sometimes they just decomposed.

Tierce: That’s… the worst story I’ve ever heard. Is that what people in Japan are like? You humans are batshit insane.

Me: No, most Japanese people are just like people anywhere. Most humans aren’t going to starve themselves and then wall themselves up in a little tomb.

Tierce: No, but you’ll do it to a helpless dog.

Me: What? Wait, are you talking about the time I put you in the crate for a couple of hours and your dinner was a half hour late?

Tierce: You were trying to kill me, weren’t you? Make me into a little dog-mummy.

Me: A crate, a pillowcase and a late meal and you think I’m trying to kill you? Believe me, Tierce, if I seriously wanted to kill you, you’d know it.

Tierce: Oh, I know it. Look at what you feed me. I bet it’s made of bark and leaves. Tastes like it.

Me: That is top-quality dog food! And you – you got half of Mischa’s plate of spaghetti last night! You’re not deprived and you’re certainly not starving.

Tierce: Like I’d trust anything you gave me after that little story.

Vote for Tierce and his historical learning in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce, it’s Halloween!

Tierce: Yeah, the day you get candy and what do I get? Nothing. Nothing and firecrackers.

Me: Well, I guess this might not be as much fun for you as it is for me, but hey, I made you a costume!

Tierce: Oh, great. This makes it all better.

Me: You’re a cute little ghost!

Tierce: You mean I’m dead and this is Hell? I believe it.

Me: No, look, I cut holes in it and everything!

Tierce: Aren’t those supposed to be eyeholes?

Me: Well… they didn’t come out as close together as I wanted. At least your ears have room to move.

Tierce: And I can’t see to bite you and add some horror to your Halloween. Oh, yes, you’ve planned this very well.

Me: It’s win-win! For me.

Vote for Tierce and his Halloween costume in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: OH NOEZ!

Tierce: Huh?

Me: Poor puppy!

Tierce: What? Did the slop you feed me run out?

Me: No… it’s BATHTIME!

Tierce: Fuck that shit!

Me: Too late. And watch your mouth.

Tierce: I hate you. I’m going to die hating you. And your fascist regime.

Me: That’s your prerogative.

Tierce: YOU’LL NEVER SUBDUE ME! THE FREE SPIRITS OF SHIBAS EVERYWHERE WILL LIVE ON!

Me: Stand still.

Tierce: Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to Dog!

Me: I’m pretty sure you’re misquoting that. I’m going to get your shampoo. Don’t mo-

Tierce: FREEDOM!

Me: GET BACK HERE!

Tierce: To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!

Me: You never in your life read Moby Dick!

Tierce: Help me!

Mischa: I don’t interfere in these kinds of things.

Tierce: Traitor!

Mischa: Actually I was the one who suggested that you have a bath before we go to Victoria.

Tierce: You’re not my real owner!

Mischa: Tierce, I am your owner.

Tierce: NOOOOOOO!

Me: Gotcha!

Tierce: I give up. This is horrible. Life isn’t worth living anymore.

Me: If you could just stay in that suicidal depression until you have your bath, I’d appreciate it.

Tierce: Gone. All gone. The water leeches away my will to live. Hopeless. All is gone.

Me: There. You’re done, you big whiner.

Tierce: YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!

Me: Why me?

Tierce: LOOK AT ME! I CAN RUN AROUND THE COUCH FIFTEEN TIMES!

Mischa: That’s nice, Tierce.

Tierce: I AM FIERCE SHIBA! LOOK AT HOW I SUBDUE THIS SQUEAKY TOY.

Mischa: Mmm hmm.

Tierce: How come you don’t ever bath me?

Mischa: I like being the good cop.

Vote for Tierce and his commitment to hygiene in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce! Inside!

Tierce: Sure. Do-dee-doody-doo

Me: Tierce! IN. NOW.

Tierce: Okay, okay…

Me: What is that?

Tierce: Muff i’ wha’?

Me: That filthy… thing you have in your mouth. It looks like a shrivelled capybara fetus.

Tierce: Uh a ‘all.

Me: A ball? You could have fooled me. A shrunken head, maybe. Anyway, you’re not bringing it inside.

Tierce: AWWW!

Me: Drop it. Now.

Tierce: *mumble, mumble*

Me: What was that?

Tierce: Nothing. Oh look, there’s Mischa.

Mischa: Why aren’t you letting the dog in?

Me: He has something disgusting he wants to bring inside.

Tierce: Oh, hey, I’m in the house. Better check out things in the living room.

Me: TIERCE! Did you bring in that ball when I told you not to? Where is it?

Tierce: What ball?

Me: Okay, maybe it’s still outside. Thing’s so filthy, it blends right in with the dirt.

***

Me: Tierce, don’t stick your cold nose into my neck.

Tierce: I’m at the end of the bed and don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: Then wha- OH MY DOG! EW!

Mischa: What?! What?

Me: IT’S THAT DISGUSTING BALL. HE DID IT! HE SNUCK IT INSIDE AND DROPPED IT RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD ON THE PILLOW WHILE WE SLEPT!

Tierce: Can you keep it down? It’s, like, 4 in the morning. Some dogs are trying to sleep around here.

Me: How did you do it?

Tierce: Can’t reveal my secrets.

Me: Why did you drop it near my head?!

Tierce: Needed to keep it safe. With your breath, no one’s going to come near it.

Me: OKAY! THAT’S IT! OUT! OUT!

Mischa: Hon, don’t you think you’re over-

Me: NO I’M NOT OVERREACTING! HE DID IT ON PURPOSE! HE DID IT TO SPITE ME!

Tierce: *yawn* Well, I’d better go downstairs, since you’re being so noisy and all.

Mischa: Uh… Babe, why don’t you go back to sl- Why are you barricading the door?

Me: Because he’ll come back with something more disgusting than that thing! Who knows what else he’s got hidden?

Mischa: Okay, let’s just go back and get some-

Tierce: *whine* Hey, I need to go out.

Vote for Tierce and his toys in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: A PLASTIC BOTTLE!

Me: Why do you pick up those things?

Tierce: Because they make cool noises!

Bottle: POP! POP! CRACK!

Me: Tierce, stop that; you’re going to wake the neighbourhood up.

Tierce: Can’t get it, nyah! Nyah!

Me: The Flexi attached to your collar says I can.

Tierce: Oppressor.

Me: That’s me, freezing my ass out in the middle of autumn so I can oppress you into taking a poop so we can go inside.

Tierce: I wonder what was in here. *lick* OH MY DOG THAT’S DISGUSTING!

Me: What’s disgusting?

Tierce: The swill in this bottle!

Me: Huh. The label on this says ‘Krazy Beaver NRG Beverage’.

Tierce: Yeah, I’ll believe that beavers go crazy after drinking that shit. I’ve never tasted anything so disgusting in my life and that includes the time you didn’t close the trash can lid after it was your turn to cook.

Me: I never said I was a cook.

Tierce: Well, that’s a relief, since I’d hate to tear away yet another illusion of yours about your competencies.

Me: …I’m just going to put this bottle on the trash can for the bottle guys to pick up.

Vote for Tierce and his discriminating tastes in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: Wha?

Me: Move over.

Tierce: But I’m comfortable here.

Me: I don’t care. I’m wedged between you and Mischa in an unnatural position.

Tierce: Is it ‘unnatural’ to sleep with your loving dog on the bed?

Me: It’s unnatural for me to sleep in a position that corpses usually take after they’ve been shot several times.

Tierce: You’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Me: Look, Mischa is perched on the end of the bed. We need our sleep, Tierce. We need it so we remember to feed and walk you during the day.

Tierce: FINE.

Me: Thank you. I’m just going to move ov-

Stuffed toy: SQUEAK

Me, Mischa: WHAT THE FUCK!

Tierce: Oh, yeah, I took some things to bed with me. I don’t like to sleep alone.

Vote for Tierce and his annoying sleeping habits in the Fido Casting Call Contest!