The Misanthropic Shiba

Archive for the ‘tms’ Category

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: OH NOEZ!

Tierce: Huh?

Me: Poor puppy!

Tierce: What? Did the slop you feed me run out?

Me: No… it’s BATHTIME!

Tierce: Fuck that shit!

Me: Too late. And watch your mouth.

Tierce: I hate you. I’m going to die hating you. And your fascist regime.

Me: That’s your prerogative.

Tierce: YOU’LL NEVER SUBDUE ME! THE FREE SPIRITS OF SHIBAS EVERYWHERE WILL LIVE ON!

Me: Stand still.

Tierce: Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to Dog!

Me: I’m pretty sure you’re misquoting that. I’m going to get your shampoo. Don’t mo-

Tierce: FREEDOM!

Me: GET BACK HERE!

Tierce: To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!

Me: You never in your life read Moby Dick!

Tierce: Help me!

Mischa: I don’t interfere in these kinds of things.

Tierce: Traitor!

Mischa: Actually I was the one who suggested that you have a bath before we go to Victoria.

Tierce: You’re not my real owner!

Mischa: Tierce, I am your owner.

Tierce: NOOOOOOO!

Me: Gotcha!

Tierce: I give up. This is horrible. Life isn’t worth living anymore.

Me: If you could just stay in that suicidal depression until you have your bath, I’d appreciate it.

Tierce: Gone. All gone. The water leeches away my will to live. Hopeless. All is gone.

Me: There. You’re done, you big whiner.

Tierce: YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!

Me: Why me?

Tierce: LOOK AT ME! I CAN RUN AROUND THE COUCH FIFTEEN TIMES!

Mischa: That’s nice, Tierce.

Tierce: I AM FIERCE SHIBA! LOOK AT HOW I SUBDUE THIS SQUEAKY TOY.

Mischa: Mmm hmm.

Tierce: How come you don’t ever bath me?

Mischa: I like being the good cop.

Vote for Tierce and his commitment to hygiene in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce! Inside!

Tierce: Sure. Do-dee-doody-doo

Me: Tierce! IN. NOW.

Tierce: Okay, okay…

Me: What is that?

Tierce: Muff i’ wha’?

Me: That filthy… thing you have in your mouth. It looks like a shrivelled capybara fetus.

Tierce: Uh a ‘all.

Me: A ball? You could have fooled me. A shrunken head, maybe. Anyway, you’re not bringing it inside.

Tierce: AWWW!

Me: Drop it. Now.

Tierce: *mumble, mumble*

Me: What was that?

Tierce: Nothing. Oh look, there’s Mischa.

Mischa: Why aren’t you letting the dog in?

Me: He has something disgusting he wants to bring inside.

Tierce: Oh, hey, I’m in the house. Better check out things in the living room.

Me: TIERCE! Did you bring in that ball when I told you not to? Where is it?

Tierce: What ball?

Me: Okay, maybe it’s still outside. Thing’s so filthy, it blends right in with the dirt.

***

Me: Tierce, don’t stick your cold nose into my neck.

Tierce: I’m at the end of the bed and don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: Then wha- OH MY DOG! EW!

Mischa: What?! What?

Me: IT’S THAT DISGUSTING BALL. HE DID IT! HE SNUCK IT INSIDE AND DROPPED IT RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD ON THE PILLOW WHILE WE SLEPT!

Tierce: Can you keep it down? It’s, like, 4 in the morning. Some dogs are trying to sleep around here.

Me: How did you do it?

Tierce: Can’t reveal my secrets.

Me: Why did you drop it near my head?!

Tierce: Needed to keep it safe. With your breath, no one’s going to come near it.

Me: OKAY! THAT’S IT! OUT! OUT!

Mischa: Hon, don’t you think you’re over-

Me: NO I’M NOT OVERREACTING! HE DID IT ON PURPOSE! HE DID IT TO SPITE ME!

Tierce: *yawn* Well, I’d better go downstairs, since you’re being so noisy and all.

Mischa: Uh… Babe, why don’t you go back to sl- Why are you barricading the door?

Me: Because he’ll come back with something more disgusting than that thing! Who knows what else he’s got hidden?

Mischa: Okay, let’s just go back and get some-

Tierce: *whine* Hey, I need to go out.

Vote for Tierce and his toys in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: A PLASTIC BOTTLE!

Me: Why do you pick up those things?

Tierce: Because they make cool noises!

Bottle: POP! POP! CRACK!

Me: Tierce, stop that; you’re going to wake the neighbourhood up.

Tierce: Can’t get it, nyah! Nyah!

Me: The Flexi attached to your collar says I can.

Tierce: Oppressor.

Me: That’s me, freezing my ass out in the middle of autumn so I can oppress you into taking a poop so we can go inside.

Tierce: I wonder what was in here. *lick* OH MY DOG THAT’S DISGUSTING!

Me: What’s disgusting?

Tierce: The swill in this bottle!

Me: Huh. The label on this says ‘Krazy Beaver NRG Beverage’.

Tierce: Yeah, I’ll believe that beavers go crazy after drinking that shit. I’ve never tasted anything so disgusting in my life and that includes the time you didn’t close the trash can lid after it was your turn to cook.

Me: I never said I was a cook.

Tierce: Well, that’s a relief, since I’d hate to tear away yet another illusion of yours about your competencies.

Me: …I’m just going to put this bottle on the trash can for the bottle guys to pick up.

Vote for Tierce and his discriminating tastes in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: Wha?

Me: Move over.

Tierce: But I’m comfortable here.

Me: I don’t care. I’m wedged between you and Mischa in an unnatural position.

Tierce: Is it ‘unnatural’ to sleep with your loving dog on the bed?

Me: It’s unnatural for me to sleep in a position that corpses usually take after they’ve been shot several times.

Tierce: You’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Me: Look, Mischa is perched on the end of the bed. We need our sleep, Tierce. We need it so we remember to feed and walk you during the day.

Tierce: FINE.

Me: Thank you. I’m just going to move ov-

Stuffed toy: SQUEAK

Me, Mischa: WHAT THE FUCK!

Tierce: Oh, yeah, I took some things to bed with me. I don’t like to sleep alone.

Vote for Tierce and his annoying sleeping habits in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: That’s interesting.

Tierce: What?

Me: This gingerbread man has an arm missing.

Tierce: That is interesting.

Me: It didn’t before you ‘accidentally’ tipped it off the plate.

Tierce: Hey, shit happens. Nothing to do with me.

Me: Right. So, in theory, if this ‘accident’ happened in a small area – say a small table outside a cafe – the arm should still be there.

Tierce: Maybe it fell down a crack somewhere.

Me: I’m thinking it fell down the crack behind your tongue.

Tierce: You’re just imagining things.

Me: Isn’t that crystallized sugar stuck between your teeth?

Tierce: Um… no.

Me: You’re not very convincing.

Tierce: Look, I’m just concerned for your health. You’re not the thinnest person on the planet.

Me: Says the dog that’s 3 pounds overweight.

Tierce: Hey, I’m just looking out for your welfare. I’m only thinking of you.

Me: And my gingerbread.

Tierce: And your gingerbr- wait, no. You! Just you.

Me: Right.

Tierce: But while we’re on the subject, are you going to eat the whole thing?

Vote for Tierce and his sweet tooth in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: I never get to tell you where to go.

Me:  You certainly try.  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why my rotator cuff is damaged.

Tierce:  I may try to influence you.

Me:  That’s pulling, not influencing.

Tierce:  Oh, so you influence me into the tub?  You influence me onto the grooming table?  You influence me into the vet’s office?

Me:  No, that’s called ‘dragging you in, kicking and screaming and disgracing yourself’.

Tierce:  Conscientious objection is not disgraceful.

Vote for Tierce and his conscientious objections in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: You’ve got a thing for putting me in swings lately.

Me: Yeah, it makes for a cute picture. Besides, you like swinging.

Tierce: I tolerate it when you put me in that position, but it’s not something I would seek out on my own.

Me: Tierce, the Swinging Shiba!

Tierce: Doesn’t North American human slang use that word for…

Me: …yeah, forget it. You’re not Tierce the Swinging Shiba.

Tierce: Well, I could have been, but guess who decided to get my balls cho-

Me: CHILDREN’S playground, Tierce.

Tierce: What are they, 9? 10? I’m not even 5 and I was only 2 when you had me gel-

Me: KIDDIES here.

Tierce: So when are THEY going to get neutered? THAT word okay?

Me: We don’t neuter human children.

Tierce: Why not? Saves a lot of time and trouble. Less dominance issues! Less mounting problems!

Me: Most people think that it’s cruel to deny other people the right to reproduce, even if they have the parenting skills of a rabid squirrel.

Tierce: What’s the world’s population now? 7 billion? Ish?

Me: Yeah, we aren’t in danger of extinction for now. No, it’s more the issue of making a decision for someone who doesn’t have control over their life and can’t knowledgeably choose a course of action.

Tierce: WOW, doesn’t sound at ALL like OUR relationship.

Me: Your decision-making skills don’t include the ability to decide whether or not to pass on your genes. Besides, when you were intact, you were a little shit.

Tierce: I had something to prove.

Me: That you could attack and kill a 110 pound Rottweiler?

Tierce: Yeah, like that. I would have, too, if Mischa hadn’t pulled me off.

Me: The way I heard it, the dog politely let you up after you went after him and he magnanimously decided to let you keep your face.

Tierce: Yeah! I showed him!

Me: And that was your last time in the dog park until you were neutered.

Vote for Tierce and his swinging lifestyle in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me:  Aw, puppy’s on the swing.

Tierce:  You put me here.

Me:  You look pretty relaxed.

Tierce:  Compared to some of the humiliation you’ve put me through, this is nothing.

Me: You see? You’re so cute when you’re doing human things!

Tierce: Like anthropomorphizing?

Vote for Tierce and his Zen habits in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce:  WTF?

Me:  Hang on; I want to get another picture.

Tierce:  Get this off me.

Me:  Aww, you look so cute in a Shiba sandwich.

Tierce:  Did you ever hear of dogs who tripped their owners down the stairs?  Did you ever wonder what the expression of those dogs looked like?

Me:  You know, you’re not being cute.

Tierce:  You’re absolutely right; this isn’t a cute look.  This is a “watch your iPhone or the vet will be removing it from my large intestine” look.

Vote for Tierce and his healthy diet in the Fido Casting Call Contest!