Archive for the ‘tms’ Category

The Shiba with his lawful prey.

Me:  So it says that Shibas are the most wolflike of all dogs.

Tierce:  Really.

Me:  Yep.  You’re as genetically close to a wolf as it’s possible to be without actually breeding with one.

Tierce:  If you’re expecting me to hunt for the dinner table, you’re going to be sadly disappointed.

Me:  It’s just an interesting fact.

Tierce:  Well, you’re interested in all sorts of boring shit.

Me:  Says the dog who thinks it’s a delicacy.

Tierce:  Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

Me:  You are disgusting.

Tierce:  Shaking your fist at me will not change my opinion.

Me:  I’m not shaking my fist at you!  I’m suppressing my gag reflex.

Tierce:  Like that’ll do anything.

Me:  You know, genetic similarity works both ways.

Tierce:  And?

Me:  Well, like wolf behaviour reveals interesting facts about dog behaviour, your behaviour reveals fascinating things about wolf behaviour.

Tierce:  Such as?

Me:  Wolves are assholes.

Me:  Hey, Mischa, look.  A new study says that dogs cause three family arguments every week.

Mischa:  The only argument we have is whether we’re kicking the dog enough.

Me:  We don’t kick the dog.

Mischa:  That’s what I mean; we’re just not kicking him enough.

Tierce:  Am I allowed to weigh in here on the whole dog-kicking thing?

Me:  Well, zero is technically a score that could be improved on- wait.  We’re not kicking the dog just to confirm your theory.

Tierce:  IX-NAY ON-WAY UH-THEY OG-DAY ICKING-KAY.

Mischa:  Is this one of the things that other people argue about regarding their dogs?

Me:  No.  Wait, there’s a top 20 list.  Hmm. Oh, here’s number 6.  ”Being too harsh on the dog.”  That would apply.

Tierce:  Does the article make any definitive statements concerning recommendations against kicking dogs?

Me:  Nope, actually they recommend it.  It’s a perfect training tool, they say.

Tierce:  That’s a lie!  Let me see that!

Me:  Okay, it actually doesn’t say anything about animal abuse.  But I’m sure that I could find a place on the Internet where puppy-booting is an approved and even a religious practice.

Tierce:  You can find any kind of bullshit on the Net if you look long enough.  Look at this piece of crap from ScienceDaily where they talk about a study saying dogs read humans’ intentions?  Why the hell would I pay attention to a video of some asshole pointing at a dogdamned pot?  Speaking of crap, I need to take a walk.

Mischa:  Hon, do you mind taking him out this time?

Me:  That’s number 2.

Tierce:  Exactly.

Me:  No, that’s number 2 on the list.  Who should walk the dog.  Big arguments there.

Mischa:  Well, what’s number 1?

Me:  What to do with the dog during a vacation.

Mischa:  We mostly take him with us.

Tierce:  Let’s take a vacation right now!  Outside.  Where I can, you know, argue number 2?

Me:  And number 3 is whether the dog should be allowed on the beds.

Tierce:  Good luck arguing that one.  I’ll be plastered miserably to the door if anyone needs me.

Mischa:  We don’t seem to argue a lot about the dog.

Me:  No, doesn’t seem like it.

Mischa:  Well, you did get on me about feeding him at the table.

Me:  That’s number 10.

Mischa:  Mostly, though, we’re okay.

Me:  Yeah.  Anyway, I’ve got to get to work on this blog post.

Mischa:  Before you do, can you take the puppy out?  I’m kind of tired.

Me:  Dammit, I really need to get this done!

Mischa:  Just this one time?  After all, he’s YOUR dog.

Me:  Number 14!  You’re the one who spoils him.  That’s number 17!

Mischa:  That says humanising.  I don’t spoil him!

Me:  Close enough!

Tierce:  Are you two having a fight?

We all went to Qualicum Beach to check out one of the dog off-leash parks there. While wandering behind the Qualicum Beach Civic Centre, we met this dog:

Typically, it took forever just to get this photo.

His owner identified him as a Shiba Shar Pei cross and, while it might be hard to tell from the photos (it was getting dark and my iPhone camera was getting cranky), he did look like he had Shiba in him. Scary, huh?

"I'm only standing still because I'm listing all the better things I could be doing at this moment."

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: What is this?

Me: Oh, just the latest Fido Casting Call blog post.

Tierce: It’s done.

Me: Don’t be so negative.

Tierce: I’m not being negative; it’s over.

Me: You see? You lose a few hundred spots and you get all pouty.

Tierce: No, I mean the contest is over.

Me: Maybe for you, but not for me.

Tierce: The. Fido. Casting. Call. Contest. Is. Over. As in ‘it’s finished’. As in ‘we’ll announce the winners soon’. As in ‘Thank Dog it’s over and you aren’t going to be dressing me up in an Elvis suit, just to have another excuse to post that Dogawful link everywhere.’

Me: Elvis suit… hmmm, good idea. I wonder where I could buy one of those. Too bad you didn’t mention this before the Halloween sales were over.

Tierce: Are you even listening to me?

Me: …then there’s Barry Manilow, but I don’t think anyone would recognize the costume…

Tierce: THE CONTEST IS OVER. MY FOOD DISH IS EMPTY. I COULD USE A TRIP TO THE DOG PARK. Any one of these basic facts can be the impetus for you to change your life, make it into something useful instead of into something pathetic.

Me: Do you think you could hold still if I buried you in those plastic playpen balls? Because that would be an awesome picture. People would certainly vote for you if they saw you like that.

Tierce: Kill me. I want to die. Life is not worth living any mo- hey, that’s smoked salmon. You never told me that you had smoked salmon. Why am I not having smoked salmon?

Me: Mischa’s dad brought it when he passed through on his way to Victoria. Hey, maybe we could take a picture of you with some sushi! That would be cute.

Tierce: You’re an idiot.

Me: What?!

Tierce: I said, ‘you’re an idiot’.

Me: The contest is over! I just went to your page and it’s over!

Tierce: You know what? I give up. I try to tell you things and you never listen to me and I try and give you good advice and you never heed it. Why do I even bother talking to you?

Me: Oh, so you can dish it out, but you can’t take it.

Tierce: I can take things. I can be taken out for a walk, for example. Forget about the stupid contest; you didn’t even post about it regularly in November. Your subconscious obviously was working on you to stop while you still could. It’s over now and we can return to our happy lives.

Me: Well, there’s always other contests.

Tierce: Oh, Dog, no.

Me: Do you think we could find a Smurf costume that would fit you?

Tierce: Do you think the SPCA or animal shelter has room for me? Maybe you could just let me run loose in traffic. It would save us all a lot of pain and heartache.

Me: You know what would be really awesome and cute? A kimono! You’re not the right gender, but after we finish tying the obi, who would know?

Tierce: That’s it! I’m jumping the fence at the dog park and sneaking on board the next ferry to the Mainland. Hopefully a coyote will eat me before you subject me to these tortures.

Um, well, never mind.

THANK YOU!!! To everyone who voted for Tierce and promoted him while he was in this contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Tierce: Sunset? Are you serious? I’ve never appreciated a sunset in my life.

Me: I wanted to show people that you’re a part of nature.

Tierce: I thought I did that the last time I got out of the house.

Me: No, that just showed people that you’re an asshole.

Tierce: Look who’s swearing now.

Me: You naturally bring it out in people.

Tierce: So, given up on me being a star? You missed the last three days of posting about me.

Me: Eh, I don’t think it’s going to do much good. You’re nearly 400 down.

Tierce: It can’t be because people don’t recognize my natural awesomeness; it must be because you’re a crappy marketer.

Me: Thanks ever so. I’ll have you know that marketing via social media is one of my *skills*.

Tierce: Oh, wait, I get it! This is like Superman pretending to be Peter Parker, right? You’re just pretending to be an all-around dumbass?

Me: Peter Parker was Spiderman, dumbass.

Tierce: Whatever.

Me: Look, I’m just trying to associate you in people’s minds with sunsets and beautiful, positive things and all that. You know, so they’ll vote more.

Tierce: And how is that marketing campaign going?

Me: Come to think of it, like a Tom Cochrane song.

Vote for Tierce and his appreciation for natural beauty in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce? Tierce!

Tierce: I’m right here.

Me: Oh.

Tierce: In addition to all your other failings, you can’t see now?

Me: Well, you kind of blend into the background.

Tierce: I AM STEALTH SHIBA.

Me: Tierce, I can see you grabbing at my ankles.

Tierce: No you can’t.

Me: Yes I can. I can even grab-

Tierce: No you can’t.

Me: Treat?

Tierce: Huh?

Me: Cheese!

Tierce: Ooooh!

Me: *grab*

Tierce: That was cheating!

Me: It’s called ‘strategy’, Tierce.

Vote for Tierce and his camo fur in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: It’s pretty awesome, having an off-leash dog area a minute away from where we’re staying.

Tierce: Off leash!

Me: Hang on! If you keep lunging, I can’t get the leash off your collar. There you g-

Tierce: SWOOSH

Me: Tierce? Tierce! TIERCE!

Tierce: ZOOOOOM!

Me: Tierce!

Tierce: I AM ROCKET SHIBA.

Me: Okay… just as long as I know where you a-

Squirrel: *scamper*

Tierce: I AM DEATH SHIBA.

Me: Tierce! You’ll never catch it.

Tierce: PREY CHASE KILL EAT.

Squirrel: Wow, five feet is an impressive leap. But, if you may have noticed, I am 24 feet up the tree.

Tierce: YOU SHALL DIE TO FEED MY HUNGER.

Me: Tierce… Tierce. Tierce! The squirrel is not coming down. You are not going up. Save us all the tedium and come on!

Tierce: I will stay here until I catch my prey!

Leaf: *flutter*

Tierce: *YOU* SHALL DIE!

Leaf: *obligingly dies*

Tierce: Okay! What were we doing?

Me: Uh… running down this trail.

Tierce: SWOOSH

Me: Tierce? Tierce!

Tierce: Here I am! Looking down on you.

Me: Like that’s new.

Tierce: King of all I survey.

Me: I’ll be sure to tell the Victoria Parks & Recreation people.

Vote for Tierce and his awesome garb in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Okay, Tierce, here we go!

Tierce: Like a herd of thundering turtles.

Me: Don’t blame me, hauling your fat ass around takes about 4 km/hr off my speed.

Tierce: It’s probably all that time you spend at the computer eating chocolate, if you ask me.

Me: I didn’t ask you.

Tierce: This is why you make so many mistakes in life.

Me: Would you like to get out and pull?

Tierce: No, no… you need your exercise. I’m here to help you.

Me: You know, I remember the good old days, when dogs used to pull people. You ever think we should go back to tradition?

Tierce: And waste all the money you put into this special dog trailer? No, I couldn’t do that to you.

(The trailer in question is a DoggyRide bicycle trailer. Go check out their stuff!)

Vote for Tierce and his DoggyRide in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Hey Tierce!

Tierce: Go away, I’m tired of your abuse.

Me: It’s the Day of the Dead!

Tierce: Are you dead? Doesn’t sound like it.

Me: Here’s your costume. You’re a mummy.

Tierce: A mummy. That’s Egyptian. I’m Japanese.

Me: There were mummies in Japan. Self-made mummies.

Tierce: Self-made mummies. So they yanked their brains out of their nostrils themselves and wrapped themselves in bandages? Bandages that I’m sure didn’t say ‘K Bro Linen Systems’ on them.

Me: It was a pillowcase. It was the only thing I could find that I could use.

Tierce: What hotel did you steal this from?

Me: ANYWAY… They were called Sokushinbutsu and they were pretty freaky.

Tierce: Oh, they dressed up their dogs for stupid holidays, too? Isn’t the Day of the Dead Mexican? Did they dress up their dogs for stupid Mexican holidays?

Me: Yes. They did. In fact, they dressed them up for Mardi Gras and the annual Cheese Rolling Festival in Gloucestershire. Can I continue?

Tierce: Okay, whatever.

Me: So for 1000 days – about 3 years, they would eat nothing but nuts and seeds. They would work out with the intensity of an Iditarod dog sled team. Then, for another 1000 days, they would only eat bark and leaves. Then they would drink a poisonous tea, wall themselves up in a little tomb and ring a little bell every day to let people know they were still alive. When the bell stopped ringing, the tomb was sealed up until they went to check to see if the guy became a mummy. Sometimes they just decomposed.

Tierce: That’s… the worst story I’ve ever heard. Is that what people in Japan are like? You humans are batshit insane.

Me: No, most Japanese people are just like people anywhere. Most humans aren’t going to starve themselves and then wall themselves up in a little tomb.

Tierce: No, but you’ll do it to a helpless dog.

Me: What? Wait, are you talking about the time I put you in the crate for a couple of hours and your dinner was a half hour late?

Tierce: You were trying to kill me, weren’t you? Make me into a little dog-mummy.

Me: A crate, a pillowcase and a late meal and you think I’m trying to kill you? Believe me, Tierce, if I seriously wanted to kill you, you’d know it.

Tierce: Oh, I know it. Look at what you feed me. I bet it’s made of bark and leaves. Tastes like it.

Me: That is top-quality dog food! And you – you got half of Mischa’s plate of spaghetti last night! You’re not deprived and you’re certainly not starving.

Tierce: Like I’d trust anything you gave me after that little story.

Vote for Tierce and his historical learning in the Fido Casting Call Contest!

This is one of the many reasons why you should vote for Tierce in the Fido Casting Call contest. You can vote every day!

http://www.fidocastingcall.ca/dogs/178

Me: Tierce, it’s Halloween!

Tierce: Yeah, the day you get candy and what do I get? Nothing. Nothing and firecrackers.

Me: Well, I guess this might not be as much fun for you as it is for me, but hey, I made you a costume!

Tierce: Oh, great. This makes it all better.

Me: You’re a cute little ghost!

Tierce: You mean I’m dead and this is Hell? I believe it.

Me: No, look, I cut holes in it and everything!

Tierce: Aren’t those supposed to be eyeholes?

Me: Well… they didn’t come out as close together as I wanted. At least your ears have room to move.

Tierce: And I can’t see to bite you and add some horror to your Halloween. Oh, yes, you’ve planned this very well.

Me: It’s win-win! For me.

Vote for Tierce and his Halloween costume in the Fido Casting Call Contest!