Rubber ducky, you’re the one…
Sunday, June 7th, at around 23:30, Tierce was not feeling well. Hunched over, shaking, panting, didn’t want food, didn’t want to walk. Took him to Central Island Veterinary Emergency Hospital where, after several hours, he ended up with a diagnosis of pancreatitis.
Tierce: I hurt.
Me: Normally he would be trying to claw his way through the door to get out, but he’s not even doing that much.
Vet: Well, let’s have some X-rays and a blood panel.
Tierce: Do not care. All is gone. Hurt.
Vet Tech: Okay, now were just going to lay you down on this table and take a little picture, okay?
Tierce: What? No! EMERGENCY! POLICE! POLICE! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, DEMONESS
Tech: No, seriously, all I want you to do is Lie. Down.
Tierce: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
People waiting in the vet’s office: What are they doing to that poor dog?
Me: He’s a Shiba.
People: Is he hurt?
Me: He’s probably convinced that his immortal soul is in danger, but they’re just doing an X-ray. No one’s being hurt.
Tierce: HELP! HELLLLLP!
Me: Well, some people might have lost a couple of decibels in the higher register.
Vet Tech: All done. We put a cage muzzle on him, but he didn’t try to bite or anything.
Me: Better safe than sorry with a dog in pain. How’s our puppy?
Tierce: I might have lost the battle, but we have not lost the war.
Tech: He screamed a lot, then stopped when I kept him on the table.
Me: Sounds normal.
Tierce: All is pain. And I’m hot.
Vet Tech: We’ll take some blood for the panel.
Tierce: I just want you to know that I hate all of you.
Four hours later
Vet: Okay, it’s pancreatitis. Take him home and watch him carefully. Boiled chicken and rice. If he spikes a fever or vomits, bring him back or to your vet right away.
Tierce: What the hell are you doing to my back?
Vet: Just some fluids to combat dehydration.
Tierce: This is some kind of truth serum, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?
Me: Tierce, I swear. Do not give me attitude right now.
Tierce: But she’s poking me!
Me: I don’t care. Look at me. Focus on me. Good boy.
Tierce: I would just like to register my objection to this entire procedure.
Me: I would just like to remind you that it’s 03:30 and I have had a half-hour’s sleep in the last 20.
Tierce: You’re all in this, aren’t you? You’re all conspiring to make me miserable.
Me: I could do that more comfortably at home.
Tierce: I really don’t like any of you right now.
Vet Tech: That’ll be $462.38.
Me: The feeling is mutual.
Twelve hours later
Tierce: What’s that?
Mischa: It’s a rubber ducky thermometer!
Tierce: What are you going to do with tha- HEY.
Me: Hold still.
Tierce: I really don’t have a concept of this except GTFO.
Me: Well, your temperature’s down. That’s good.
Tierce: Keep that thing away from me.
Me: Oh, Tierce. For the next few days, you’re going to be friends with the rubber ducky. Best friends.
Tierce: You’re both sick. I’m going to go lie in the sun now.
One day later
Tierce: And I’ll have some of that… and some of that… and some of that noodle thing, please.
Me: Forget it! Here’s your dinner.
Tierce: What is this?
Me: Steamed rice and chicken.
Tierce: Well, okay… that wasn’t bad. Where’s the rest?
Me: There is no ‘rest’. You’re to have small meals.
Tierce: Cheese is a small meal.
Me: No cheese.
Tierce: But… I want it.
Me: Okay, fine. Here.
Tierce: This is crunchy. I’ve never had crunchy cheese before.
Me: It’s a special kind of cheese.
Tierce: It tastes more like carrot.
Me: You asked for cheese, I gave you cheese. Look! It’s orange, just like cheese!
Tierce: I can only see in shades of yellow and blue.
Me: Just take my word for it.
Tierce: Can I have a stinky fish?
Me: That’s what got you into this mess. No. Not for a long time.
Tierce: There was some left in the bag after I climbed up onto the shelf and ate two thirds of it.
Me: Have you ever wondered why you got sick?
Tierce: … No. No, I can’t say that I have.
Me: That’s why you can’t have a stinky fish.